untitled (working on it)

[Hanen]

prologue
"When the sky fell"
The whole world stood up to look as the sky cracked open. I mean you have to... it's too big and too large of an event to see sitting down. It's also on every corner tv and every media since it is the most happening in this very moment, so it's very difficult to miss. What's not so strange is that no one is panicking. No one can blame them though really, if YOU saw it with it's spectacular lightning show, reddish haze of the setting sun, you too would think it was part of an amusement park's elaborate light show. The reason no one was even panicking was because this has already occurred once before and on the same day of the year, the day of the national winter festival parade. Back then, everyone just had assumed exactly as I described it, "a giant expense with no other purpose rather than to show off wealth". Why this parade exist... I have no idea.

Anyway... suffice to say in this long introduction, today is not the same as then. Not all of us looked up and saw something spectacular, [as] some of us knew the truth of the[that these] visions of the horror we were witnessing would not be the last of our worries[fears]... that is... if we don't act quickly with the plan we've been devising for the last 3 years. We've sacrificed a lot these 3 years...
oh god...
this better f**king work...

6/07/2018 - 1st draft of prologue

- please give me some constructive criticism... is it suspenseful? does it draw you in? which part did you hate? How should I fix it? I just want to improve my writing ability so any proper criticism is most welcome.

 

[kohelemon]

Alrighty, I know This is Late, but just discovered Mangadex some months ago and am just cruising about the forums as I write. I would build upon the suspense the first sentence establish. Maybe describe what the people felt when it first happened, the terror, the panic, then reveal it's happening again, though no one is panicking. Explain that as you did, and the parade can act to further the ignorance, or perhaps adaptive nature of the people who now disregard such an event.
The Second Chunk is interesting and should push from the disregarding and ignorance into the idea these cracks herald a coming darkness. Furtherly, while most are living as normal, explain that others, and the foci cannot, and have been preparing, and many lives rely upon it.
Basically, what you did, just a bit "Beefier". I give accolades as a sort of First-Person Perspective is something I've never been able to grasp. I've tried with some longer stories of mine, but it never seemed to work as I like to work with multiple characters, and to limit the lens to one is feels so bizarre! I hope you took this project far, God Bless! And if you're still writing, know to always hold on! We're the only ones who can see these worlds, and without us, they'll never be able to live within our own.

 

[Otcgamer1]

prologue
"When the sky fell"
The whole world stood up to look as the sky cracked open. I mean you have to... it's too big and too large of an event to see sitting down. It's also on every corner tv and every media since it is the most happening in this very moment, so it's very difficult to miss. What's not so strange is that no one is panicking. No one can blame them though really, if YOU saw it with it's spectacular lightning show, reddish haze of the setting sun, you too would think it was part of an amusement park's elaborate light show. The reason no one was even panicking was because this has already occurred once before and on the same day of the year, the day of the national winter festival parade. Back then, everyone just had assumed exactly as I described it, "a giant expense with no other purpose rather than to show off wealth". Why this parade exist... I have no idea.

Anyway... suffice to say in this long introduction, today is not the same as then. Not all of us looked up and saw something spectacular, [as] some of us knew the truth of the[that these] visions of the horror we were witnessing would not be the last of our worries[fears]... that is... if we don't act quickly with the plan we've been devising for the last 3 years. We've sacrificed a lot these 3 years...
oh god...
this better f**king work...

6/07/2018 - 1st draft of prologue

- please give me some constructive criticism... is it suspenseful? does it draw you in? which part did you hate? How should I fix it? I just want to improve my writing ability so any proper criticism is most welcome.

I do not know any professional terms about writing.
The work you have posted is great.
When I first read the first line I felt not so interested but after reading the entire post it feels cool. It draws your attention in slowly but has a good grip.