I wanted to give you some pointers on things to watch out for and it turned into a whole ass PR, if a kind of lazy one. this is by no means complete and obviously I have not seen the raws, but I've tried to explain my reasonings as to why I'm flagging things
2.1/2.2 - 'We're going next week, right?' 'Like where we're going and what we'll do, that kind of plan' -> There's a lot of places where the bubbles don't really quite meet the way they would in a conversation, which leaves them feeling quite stilted. Obviously I don't have raws to know for sure, but this sounds like the second bubble should be more along the lines of 'we still need to figure out what we'll do when we're there'.
3.2 - 'No...' -> I'm a bit suspicious that this is more a vocal tic / space filler that's been translated a bit literally. imo 'Well...' would work better here. See below
3.4 - 'Ah, I'll leave it to you' -> is this right? They're doing it together in the next couple pages.
5.1 - 'I found information about nearby attractions on Shuzenji website' -> 'the Shuzenji local website' would have made this a bit more natural.
5.5 - 'No...' -> This one's the one that made me suspicious. The other one you could chalk up to his being modest about bringing up preparation, but this one feels kinda out of place.
6.1 - This is where the third person starts, and there's a lot of it. Some of it is probably being done to emphasize Naomi's having a Serious Talk in Japanese, but referring to someone in third person like this isn't really something you'd do in English, at least not so often in a conversation. I think you could probably turn a lot of this into more polite speech while having him address her directly and it would probably flow better while still keeping some of the stiffness Naomi's projecting. I'll pick out some specific examples but it felt odd to me throughout. See below at 8.3 for an example of ways to soften this
6.4 - 'I'm a guy too, you know' -> last I checked, Yui was not a guy. This is presumably a conversational tic like 'As a guy... I think Yui is really cute'.
6.5 - 'I like her as a person' -> see 6.1. This is more obvious here because in the space of 6.4-7.1 you've gone from 'Yui' to 'her' to 'you'.
7.1 - Kind of clumsy wording. 'As a member of the opposite sex, I think you're more than attractive'
(pausing because hoooly shit Naomi do you really have to hedge this much?)
8.1 - 'What I just said is more like a premise for what I want you to hear!' -> Feels super literal, and very wordy for whatever momentary panic is going on. You could honestly pare this down to something like 'Let me explain...!!' or, if you want to be a little more literal, 'I'm telling you this so you'll understand [the next thing]...!!'
8.3 - 'I want to cherish Yui' -> 6.1 again, it feels odd and unimpactful to have him refer to her in the third person for such an important line. I think this could have felt much better if it was 'I want to cherish you, Yui', using her name to strengthen a direct statement.
9.1 - 'I hope you enjoy the trip purely' -> too literal. 'I just want you to relax and enjoy the trip'
9.3 - 'I'm a guy too' see 6.4
9.3 - 'I want to touch the person I like. Because I like it, I want to touch it' -> subject. He probably shouldn't refer to Yui as 'it'.
10.1 - 'That's why I feel we need to talk properly' -> tense? They just talked, and since it's just Naomi talking, possibly it should be 'That's why I felt the need to say it properly'.
12 - Your typesetting and punctuation haven't been bad up 'til now, which makes this page kind of stand out:
12.1 - The naked 'I' in a bubble with no punctuation
12.2 - 'my happy / moments' -> odd place to cut the bubble which breaks flow
12.3 - 'because Naomi accepts all of me / so I can't stop being my true self' -> drop the 'so'
13.2 - 'It's just that going on a trip alone' -> The context of the page doesn't really feel like she should be saying 'just' here. Link it up to 13.1 maybe? 'I think I get it... / ... going on a trip alone with a male classmate isn't 'normal' at all...'
16 - wait what happened to the font, why is jaws music starting to play
17.1 - 'I'm the one who should be thanking you' 'Huh, no, I'm better at that' -> Doesn't scan in English. 'Um, no, it's definitely me' or even just 'No, I should be thanking you' to show the politeness game of tennis in full swing
18.4 - 'That?' -> Kinda goofy on its own. 'Well?' 'Yes?' 'What is it?' take your pick
19.1 - 'I don't like it. It wasn't like that' -> too literal / accidentally changes the meaning as two sentences into her telling him off. besides, we're all anime brained it's okay to go 'It's not like... I'm against the idea'.
At this point, most other issues tend to repeat, but your subjects start getting really out of whack:
20.2 - 'Our trip is next week, right?' -> Sophie is the one speaking so it should be 'Your trip is next week, right?'
21.2 - 'Summer will never say something like that!' -> Summer?? 'Naomi would never say something like that!'
22.2 - 'Unlike the clumsy Yui, you're dependable' -> 'Unlike the clumsy Yui, Naomi's dependable'
22.4 - 'The fact that we think differently means we see things' -> 'The fact that the two of you think differently means you see things' (this could be a general statement, perhaps, but she references Yui in the second bubble so I think it's meant to refer to them)
23.2 - 'You... you... Naomi' -> Subject switch, I'd keep them consistent one way or the other
27.2 - 'To think you would even teach me about love' -> given the next panel, I think this is supposed to be 'to think he would even teach you about love'
28.1 - 'So I wasn't surprised' -> But she's been talking about how she was surprised/happy?
28.2 - 'I'm really happy that Yui has come to like me' -> 'I'm really happy that Yui has come to like someone' or more likely 'herself'
30 - oh that's why the jaws music is playing. what the heck happened to this page
37.2 - 'I guess Naomi likes that about her too' -> 'I guess Naomi likes that about you too'
39.1 - 'Oh sorry, it's a call from Yui, the manager' -> 'Oh, sorry, Yui, I've got a call from my manager'
39.4 - 'I've said this to Naomi too' -> 'She's spoken to Naomi too'
39.5 - 'Sophie's good point that she says' -> ??? 'Sophie's good point is communication'?
40.1 - 'I'm looking forward to hearing about your trip with Yui' -> she's messaging Yui!