@osqmu you’re right, it is readable. I might have been too harsh. For English and grammar it’s good, except for a few typos. And I appreciate the work put into it. For how the story is put together I feel like it’s really different from the other translation. Not bad if that’s how you like it...
This is kinda bad. Compared to the other translation you removed a lot of things that made it interesting and it feels like it’s filled in with tropes.
You did a good job. Apart from typos, the flow of the story was understandable and didnt get chopped up every other time someone speaks. Overall, I can read the whole thing and not be confused. I would give 5/5 for a good translation. Good job 👍