Well I can try and explain it, the regret and loneliness isn't caused by fucked up shit but ironically from seeing two people normally having sex. Two people having a connection and just wanting to make each other feel happy. I've never felt anything like that. I've never had anyone who wanted to make me happy in any way. Regret that I fucked up every chance I had at hapiness, regret I'm old and alone and sad and only look forward to dieing, regret I am so depressed and alone and miserable all the time that even a few seconds of porn just leads to hours of self loathing and suicidal ideation, regret I will never fall in love because I let all this sadness take hold of me leading to worse and worse acts of self harm, each leading to longer lasting suffering and pain and regret, regret I keep making my life worse despite trying nothing to make it better, regret the only thing I try and do is escape the pain for a few moments indulging in whatever I can just to make it stop hurting for a few minutes but it doesnt do anything anymore, regret I'm only left with faint memories of being happy.
I don't know anymore to be honest. sorry
Ehh idk about this. The "two people having a connection" etc. you see in porn is not real most of the time unless you watch obscure amateur content. If we are talking hentai/VNs, that's literally made up idealized unrealistic versions of relationships. Honestly, I think you are idealizing relationships too much. Getting a girl will not magically bring you happiness and fix all your problems. Hell, it might even introduce more.
This comes from a 24 year old who never was in a relationship, and I honestly don't see myself ever being in one in the future. I have heard so many stories of bad relationships, be it a manipulative or abusive partner, cheating, it destroying your other non-romantic relationships etc. that I honestly can't tell if I even want to try to be in one lmao. There might be something wrong with me, but I just can't bring myself to trust people fully, I don't like to be relied on and never felt anything that I would describe as love for a girl. Yes, there were times when I was thinking about a specific girl more than others, but calling it love feels like too strong of a word.
Yeah, sure I get a little lonely sometimes, and I feel like embracing someone/getting embraced. But then I jerk off and all of those emotions are gone, and I move on with my day knowing I don't have to deal with all of the other shit that comes with a relationship.
Welp, if you really think that a relationship will make you happy, then I just want to tell you that it's never too late. Literally just put yourself into situations where you have to talk to women, and unless you are a massive creep or something you are bound to find someone eventually.
