well, that escalated quickly.
It should say JK instead of OL, as that's obviously what the mangaka's selling this chapter, but I'm fucking retarded. I should study instead of being here. What am I doing with my life? Dying seems terrifying! Do I only think of death because I enjoy the idea? I quit my previous job because I felt my brain was being vacuumed out of my skull. If anyone says that there is no metaphysical substance to emotion or depression, take it from myself who is visibly-textually scared, depressed, insane, etc. that it is certainly the case that you can feel the chemicals in your head. I remember my first time tripping absolute balls on a single white blotter (ten years ago) and my first time absolutely drowning on a 1000mg THC gummy (last year). I absolutely felt my pupils being dilated in the former and my eyes being blooshot (I looked like a fucking demon) in the latter, but even more than that I felt every time the serotonin receptors proc'd from the acid. My boss called me "you braindead fuck" with truly disproportionate anger and I didn't want to work for someone like that, but it's a lie that I quit over it! I /really/ quit because the droneslavery was vacuuming my brain to the point that I would rather die, and it just so happens to also be the case that I would rather quit than die. So I quit! But now I just don't do anything. I think I was probably just born to be a slave. I haven't spoken to a woman this year and last year it was just the employees at the local drugstore. I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me anyway. I will be alone forever so I desperately cling to whatever whichever mangaka sells. And liquor! I have consumed a great deal of nicotine since 15, but have only ever had alcohol cravings. Sometimes I worry about dependence and withdrawals, and dying seems terrifying! More LSD would be nice, but drugs are for kids. I hope I see my (former) boss's mangled body on the road someday. I started smoking cigarettes instead of chewing nicotine gum because the gas station doesn't sell nicotine gum but also doesn't (happen to) employ women so I don't have to spill my spaghetti just to buy copium. I look like I eat people anyway, so it's good that fewer people have to see me. Where I used to work was a fucking nightmare. It was just me under the boss and his son. Two months in I almost broke all the bones in both hands and wrists, maybe it could have been up to the shoulders, maybe I could have died. Dying seems terrifying! It was all my own fault for being a braindead fuck but my boss was always rushing me so it's hard to say. One month in the boss threw a box of bolts at my feet and had me pick them all up just cus he was pissed that I didn't know where to set them, before the shift even started. I should have just walked out but I worried my parents would kick me out for being so retarded. Both sisters latched on to the wealthiest guys they could and moved out as soon as possible, no work required. That shit's disgusting so I don't have any sisters and whenever they show up I'm the worsest lying bastard, all hugs and kisses. I have lost feeling in both big toes from my time working. If it gets necrotic or something I'll go at it with a knife, and if that fails or if my parents kick me out for drinking and being retarded then I guess I'll just die. Dying doesn't terrify me anymore.
It's only on the anonymous internet that I'm free to take my face off and clean my carcass out with drugs and liquor, or "escalate" as you call it. Writing turns subjective thoughts into objective glyphs, it gaurantees sober thinking far-divorced from my failure to stay sober and human. All one has to do is parse the glyphs, like 1 + 1 = 2 no matter when, where, or who you are. You can't even tell that this isn't AI-generated. Writing and study are the closest things I have to never having been born. Maybe this is what Marx meant when he said only capital has subjectivity or free will anymore. That doesn't matter, I prefer it this way even-ifn't.