The TL seems good, no weird sentences or stuff.
But this chapter was mostly MC getting fellated, hard to judge.
But I think that if you keep this level of quality it will be fine.
Thanks for doing that chapter! Was good to see the "action" going a bit further. Would be great if you felt up to doing more, but don't overwork yourself no matter what you decide to do!
Mangaka having to resort to lightsaber censorship because otherwise genitals would be depicted (in a sexual context) means this isn't just "suggestive" anymore. Kakeru was obviously, explicitly receiving a blowjob this chapter, nothing suggestive about it. I presume things are only going to heat up on that front from this point on, considering Iroha's offer is still on the table. This is Erotica at least.
Thanks for picking up this chapter. @QuickSlash If you decide to do more chapters, I'd suggest for you to make a group on MD (even a 1-person group if you're solo) so your work can be credited as a release on MangaUpdates for info keeping purposes. They don't accept "No Group" releases on their site.
Edit: The initial release & group info (QS Translations) has been approved on MU. Future releases (if any) can now be submitted under this group.