What is the PR process that looked at the first page and went 'yep looks great'?
Some brief notes from the start of the chapter:
2.2 - 'The purpose of today's stream is... my goal is to hunt...' -> 'The purpose of today's stream is... hunting high orcs'
3 - Curious that only specific bits of text are translated on this page, including half the title and one of the author/artist credits. It's almost like your translator isn't actually a person and is an MTL that only translated the things it could spot thanks to differing contrast.
4 - Ditto, especially hilarious because you can barely see ''Actually He's A Legend' in the midst of the mess.
6.1 - 'No customers at all!' -> 'There's no customers at all!' Too literal a translation, no-one in English is gonna shout this.
6.1 - 'Of Ken-chan Diner - Kenichi Nishida, Owner' -> 'Owner of Ken-chan Diner - Kenichi Nishida'. More natural.
6.2 - 'Even with no sales, expenses keep piling up... at this rate I'll go bankrupt' - 'Even with' is a weird choice here because it's not like it's a mitigating factor. Feels like something's been translated literally. 'There's no sales... and even then, expenses keep piling up' maybe? Something like that
7.1 - Typesetting overflowing the box
7.3 - Here the guy on the phone is talking, telling Kenichi his advice: 'Maybe I should listen to my best friend's advice' -> 'Maybe you should listen to your best friend's advice'.
8.2 - Why is that 'However...' chilling at the end of the speech bubble? It's not connected to anything the next time he talks. Was this a word order thing from the first bubble flowing over?
9.1 - Again, there's such a mismash of what is or isn't translated. You got the name of a restaurant from one sign, but missed the giant-ass 'Dungeons--' next to it
9 - Redrawing would have helped here, because it's jarring when there's obviously boxes carved out for the text but your text overflows them all over the place. I'm pretty sympathetic here, mind you, because there's not much you can do for 'extradimensional'
13.4 - The next few pages are perfectly fine but I did laugh at the abrupt translating of the guy's shirt all of a sudden...
13.2 / 14.1 / 15.1 - The content of these bubbles are fine but the way they're laid out isn't the friendliest to a reader. Having a break like this at a spot where it isn't natural causes a sort of 'jump' in your head that interrupts the reading experience. 'I'm sure you learned this in the / seminar, but' -> would have been much better feeling if you'd managed to fit seminar in the first bubble.
15.1 - This whole diagram is hilarious. 'Monster strength: Weak ---> 強' really sells a great translation.
17.1 - 'さて Well then.'
I'm stopping here because going forwards most of the same issues just repeat. I will note that the general readability of the actual text is actually pretty good and there's very few points where an obvious error happened outside of 7.3 - what's getting you is definitely more layout issues and scattershot translations where not everything on a page has been translated.
Summing it up into bullet points:
- Watch out when someone says multiple bubbles at once because that tends to be where your layout issues happen most and need resolving, be it the order of the bubbles, breaks in sentences being at the wrong place, or just the order of the bubbles in general compared to how it would be in Japanese. You can especially see this later in the chapter whenever dealing with the chat window - whatever tool you're using has treated everyone's chat messages as lines in one big paragraph and mashed them together (36.2 for instance)
- Redrawing would help a lot, even if it's just widening white spaces to let the text fit. You'd lose some of the panel beneath but it would be so much better than trying to read black on dark panels.
- Decide what you do or don't want to translate when it comes to large panels. It's really goofy seeing only a couple of things get translated while the big important text is left behind and it makes it pretty clear that an MTL just tagged whatever text it could. 15.1 is the most clear example of this but there's also a lot of examples where important text is just left because it's too stylized for a tool to pick up - the girl's scream, or 41.4 (Exploring in progress...)