Don't get me wrong, I am glad that someone decided to translate this again. But you desperately need a proofreader, it is way too hard to read as it is. The individual lines make sense, so it doesn't seem to be a problem with the translation itself, just how the sentences are structured. You might want to advertise for one on your public forum of choice. Editors and cleaners are nice, but you could live without those. The only other thing I'd mention is that using all caps is probably not a good idea.