@Dunhban Hi there, I saw you asking for feedback in your credits page. I think the translation was generally well done. Some parts of the phrasing felt a little awkward, so you might want to take a little more liberties with your translation if it would let the dialogue flow smoother. But this is pretty much a minor issue.
If you're having trouble crafting sentences that sound right, I'd suggest you pay more attention to the intent underlying character dialogue, and craft your sentences in that direction. But otherwise, it was really a job well done. Cheers. 😁