@Kaze_Ninja Your translation is actually pretty good. I found it very understandable, but at some places it doesn’t sound quite right to a native speaker. You used the wrong verb forms sometimes, spelled a few words wrong, and some of your sentences were not structured in the best way.
For example, Xiao Yan says “Where is this place? Where did everyone go?” Even though “where is this place?” is technically correct, as a native English speaker, I would always say “What is this place? Where did everyone go?” in that situation. I would never say “where Is this place?”
Three Thousand Flames says “Why didn’t you come and took me with you?” It should be “take me with you”. Earlier in the chapter you used the phrase “are fall asleep”, but it should be “fell asleep”.
There are several more similar errors, but they are mostly minor mistakes. I agree with
@Rin2k that your release would be better if you had a proofreader. A native English speaking proofreader would help you fix those issues and greatly improve the overall quality of your work.