Might be the wrong venue to say it, but seriously, the last few have really shown off your mental state and while you're just an internet stranger to me, it's still very concerning. Definitely think you should find a qualified professional to speak to about these feelings and your current situation. As someone who's been on that edge more than a few times, I can honestly say it's good to talk to someone about it and work with them to build a plan to make your current situation better.
For me, it took cutting out 95% of the people I knew (because they were so toxic for my mental health), living in my car working at mcdonalds (pre-pandemic) and working solely on myself. The few people who stayed in my life and watched, waiting for that phase of my life to finally pass (when I was a total fucking ass too) are still in my life and we have a healthy relationship. It sounds like you need a serious bit of time to yourself working it out with someone else who is trained to handle this. Self-help guides are overwhelming when everything's already overwhelming. Let someone else help you sort it out.
And if you're in good 'ol US of paying out the A for healthcare, call our suicide hotline and mention all your issues and how you need help finding that professional help and I'm sure they'll be able to set you up with a program or a charity that can help you get that help. 800-273-8255 They also have a chat function on their website https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Take care and I hope to see you still active on the forums years down the road.
Sincerely,
That one friend who mom's the group