This translation was really bad, like, really bad. I think it would be a good idea to get a proofreader. Well keep at it, that’s how you improve. Thank you for the attempt.
The grammar behind the sentences is quite choppy. A translator shouldn't be their own proofreader without a collective of some actual experience over time, and you guys have only been going for a month. Yeah no - find a proofreader or please leave this for Madcat to pick back up when he gets the time (translations are slow on his end currently because of not just the amount of series he's doing as the only translator but also because he's currently in the hospital)