@Kynnath it is hard, sometimes, to write parody when the world is so laughable.
I know people who have had child services called on them. The agent apparently just looked around, examined the child, watched the parents and the kid for no more than an hour, then left with no follow-up. These folk who had child services sicced on them came out of the experience thinking the agent really should have tried harder to find wrongdoing, and the parents who thought this hadn't even done anything! But if they had, that agent wouldn't have found shit! Heard stories like this from a few other folks too.
My point is, this isn't even a little unbelievable. It should be, it would be in any reasonable facsimile of society, but it isn't. People jump at rumors, but don't know shit about what to do after. Like someone sprinting towards smoke and not knowing what to do when they find it without an obvious fire. They think smelling smoke constitutes the whole of an investigation and flummoxed when more is needed than just the use of a fire extenguisher.