This is a good first try, and thanks for picking up the series. Are you ESL perchance?
Here's a few places I noticed personally:
Page 4
-the text in the 3rd panel is a bit hard to distinguish so you might want to use a thicker font on these sort of panels or use something with a thicker outline
-"Ichika told her she was treating her as a criminal" this sentence doesn't make any sense
Page 6
-The flow of the 2nd and 3rd panels feel stilted and might be too literally translated without accounting for phonetic changes between JP and EN
-text sizing might need adjustment so you don't have overhang on the page border like in the 2nd panel
Page 7
-same issue in the 3rd panel as the note from Page 4
-when you have a word break off or roll to the next line you need to punctuate it like "undoub-
tedly" it needs to be hyphenated
Page 8
-"they must have came to complain..." this is the wrong tense
-the phonetics of the past 2 bubbles feels off and don't flow exactly
Page 9
-again the phonetically this Page feels stilted
Page 10
-same hyphenation note from Page 4
-"no no it wasn't a fraud..." again phonetics just are off
Page 11
-"my daughter was hurt by being called a criminal" phonetically it's fine but just feels stilted, honestly might just be a me issue
Page 12
-same font size and hyphenation notes as previously mentioned
-"they made Ichika-can.." should be Ichika-chan
-same font note from Page 4 on the 3rd panel
Page 13
-"they didn't saw this coming" the tense here is wrong
-see you got the hyphenation right here
-"but after talking to me..." this bubble feels wrong phonetically
Page 14
-"can't you accept..." needs to be Ichika-san's
Page 17
-"can not" you could just contract this into can't
Page 20
-same font note from Page 4 on the 2nd panel
Page 21
-you could insert a "the" before "Imai's" and it'd work better
That's everything I personally noticed. I'm just doing this as a one off to try and give some notes so hopefully you see this comment. Lot of the issues I noticed are common with people who aren't native English speakers but do speak ESL which is why I asked. If so this is a very good effort and I hope you can improve going forward.
