Here are some of the many,
many mistakes I found in this chapter:
- Page 3: "Let's go back to [...]" The «'s» in "Let's" means "us". Mason is clearly talking about himself here, so it should be "I'll go back to [...]" instead.
- Page 4: "The Holy Knights don't have to abide by the rules." This would only make sense if Fate had to slow down to abide by the rules. Considering he's taking a shortcut by bypassing the gate, he's obviously not abiding by the rules.
- Page 11: "The ice has a hole!!" If the ice has a hole, then you're the scan of the owner. It's supposed to be the other way around. It should be: "The hole is frozen shut", or similar.
- Page 13: "we'd already be on ice in the woods." That doesn't even make any sense. Did you mean "we'd already be encased in ice." or something?
- Page 15: "Aaron Barbatos I've extended my ability by connecting with you." Aaron isn't even there yet, why is he talking to him? Sorry, but I can't even begin to guess how to fix this.
- Page 17: "We are all humans after all when we commit even a mistake..." This sounds like we only become human after we make our first mistake. Instead it should've been: "We are all humans, after all, even when we make mistakes..."
- Page 19: I suggest you discard that page and start over, because I have no clue what most of those bubbles say...
- Page 21: "You told me to stay away from you and talk to you first." Somehow I doubt this is accurate. How is he supposed to talk to her if he has to stay away from her?
- Page 22: "Your father, whom were told was dead..." you forgot a word there: "Your father, whom you were told was dead..."
- Page 23: "the binge-eating skills" Isn't that supposed to be "the Gluttony skill"? Singular?
- Page 24: "This guy's previous owner. I finally figured out where they scattered." Why is it suddenly "they" when it used to be "he/him/his" before? Also, "scattered" implies he fled somewhere, but didn't Eris just say he's dead?
- Page 24: "And in the remaining time." In the remaining time... what? Why is there a period? And what "remaining time"? Did you mean: "Meanwhile, [...]"?
- Page 24: "I've been thinking about it a lot finally" Why "finally"? Does Fate not normally think? Is he glad he's finally started thinking?
- Page 25: "And Envy is not very good at manipulating the mental system [...]" What "mental system"?
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's plenty more to complain about regarding wording, phrasing, word order, punctuation (or lack thereof), and so on. If you told me this was MTL'd, I'd believe you without question. You can't seriously be thinking about doing commissions with that level of quality.