this is definitely one of my favorite chapters, amy's characterization is so good man 😭😭 her hatred of herself seeps into everything she does and this bit of introspection kind of shines a brighter light on previous chapters: she tells bibi that it's fine if she treats her badly, she tells Camilla that she knows that bibi is a bad person and looks down on her. She thinks she deserves that kind of treatment for "lying" to bibi about her feelings for her....aghhhh
It's one of the more believable depictions I've come across for someone with zero sense of self-worth and who actively dislikes themselves/believes themselves worthless.
That simultaneous desire to not disturb/inconvenience/annoy everyone around you, to the point of sabotaging all of your relationships because "I'm not worth their time" that becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy when you act that out, and they get fed up and leave--coupled with an intense craving for validation and affirmation that, the moment it seems like someone is "safe" for you to be around one-sidedly, you cling to them, no matter what they do to you, because you can relish your feelings without worry of reciprocation and thus without concern for "disturbing" them.
It's super well-written here in Amy, and it's also very cohesive across the series thus far (haven't finished it yet, just coming to it well after-the-fact); like with her dream this chapter slotting into her sleepover with Bibi some time ago.
Lots of callbacks to previous chapters that create a complete image of Amy and Bibi's story, and nothing feels wasted or extraneous, and we get teased with details and reveals that have huge impact when it's all finally laid out together (like how her mother tried to kill her, then tried to stop that, and how her own grandmother thought it better if she'd died, and her own aunt stifles her out of fear for her).
I don't have Amy's backstory, but I see some of her sentiments in my younger self. Viciously self-sabotaging, a feeling of utter self-contempt and a certainty of being unworthy of anyone else's time or energy, coupled with a consuming need to please everyone else at the expense of the self.
It's a horrific cycle to find oneself in, because it requires outside help to escape, and the very behavior it manifests invariably pushes almost everyone away who could otherwise try to help.
I did figure it out eventually (for the most part), but I didn't have someone like Bibi.
I'm glad that Amy does.