It's stiff, but certainly not without effort. There's some grammar/sentence structure areas, as well as spots that look like there were meant to be more details:
* The territories/estates should be mentioned specifically as such, just saying The Klausel doesn't let people know whether it refers to the young lady's house or the territory at large
* Punctuation will affect tone and delivery, an should be used in conjunction with special text such as italics or half-opacity to differentiate between volumes and emphasis. When the maid is conversing about the birthday, she's doing so knowing she's not fully out of earshot of the young lady, but is doing so with the gesture for secrecy, which is to raise one hand to the side when denoting that the person or persons on the outside/back of the hand should not hear the information. From cues like that, you can more or less surmise that from the moment the panel shifted to that shot, that she was whispering the important part, which is that the party was for the young lady's birthday.
Other than that, it's more just self-study and practice expanding your translation to English, which is shaping up--looking forward to your next drop assuming that you're not leaving it to DeepL/MTL. We got too many of those groups around here, you know...
