I feel like leaving broken sentence structure unchanged is kinda weird when it comes to proofreading. If you see odd sentence structure that just doesn't make any real sense in the translated language you should edit it to where it's properly readable while still carrying the same message, unlike these worthless official localizers that just pump their unwarranted worldviews into things (still mad about that Lucoa scene among others). Thanks for the translation though!
I understand the point you're trying to make, but if you are referring to the "um...", "I-I..." etc., I chose to keep them in, as an attempt to reflect the indecisiveness put across in the raws. At present, I'm unsure how else I would be able to do so, without the use of ellipsis, or the odd hyphen.
Regardless, thanks for reading.
Regards,
Lectonal.
Edit: If you are referring to the actual way the sentences are structured (which is the actual question 🤦♂️), I haven't checked since upload, but if I remember correctly, they should at least be grammatically correct.
(I can't say much for the accuracy of the Translations, however.)
The only real variable I can think of, Is that I'm from the UK, and so some of the ways I have worded things may come off as strange to those who aren't. Though, that might be me clutching at straws haha.