Rivnes - Vol. 11 Ch. 60 - Me, My Little Sister, and Leave The Nest (2)

[MangaDex]

 

[LordScat]

Applause 👏

 

[Pars_d]

He dropped the title. Making real progress here.

 

[Eshya]

This is what I look for in a romance that includes sibling relationships in it. At least, no incest

 

[Eternalcakes]

Thanks for your hard work translating and everything. Looks and reads fantastic!
Fight scene action, translated dialogue, typesetting, all danged awesome.

Some quick translation comments. I hope you'll forgive them, as the guy who explained the Chiba-chan imagination scene a few chapters back.
Pg44. Kazumi-chan no koto ha...? あれだけ心配して
- This is 'You were so worried about her (before)...' past tense statement, rather than a present tense question. You might have chosen your translation deliberately, in which case it's fine and good, it gets the idea across. Just wanted to point this out in case it wasn't deliberate.
Pg44. Kasumi ha... 俺から巣立とう...
- You translated "leave the nest with me," which sounds like 'we are leaving the nest together,' but it's actually more "leaving the nest from me." Smoothly it might be, "(Kasumi is) leaving my nest." Issue of course being it's not quite the title drop. More specifically however, the 'location' being left is 俺. It has the implication that Onii-chan is the nest that she is leaving. This is much harder to translate into smooth English, so I wonder whether a TLN might have helped reveal this nuance, though it can be a bit of a visual/flow nuisance.

Pg45, big future speech. You might notice that your script doesn't have him confirming when exactly they will get married, but he does actually say it in the JP. It struck me enough that I went to look at the raws, birthing this whole comment 😅
- それからな is actually, "After that, okay?" with the following で ("then"/"after that") being the connecting particle. It being な and not ね makes a significant difference here. So something like, "Of course, I don't mean to get married right away, though. We'll graduate highschool, go to college... After that, okay? Then I'll get a job... // this clears up the logic of the sentence I think. Small point, but gives clarity.

Pg48. 。。。のところも 。。。のところも 。。。のところも ずっと前から 大好きだった
- When Tetsu lists out these parts of Asuka, he's not saying 'reasons' or 'despites' for his liking her, but actually the parts of her that he likes. It is more, "The part of you that's bullish and not honest, the part of you that's also vulnerable and girlish and cute, and the part of you that supports and embraces me, for the longest time now (or, from the beginning), I've always loved them." // you might have gone your way deliberately, but again, just bringing this to your intention in case it was not deliberate. Also because my 'translation philosophy' is representing the original as much as possible. imo here it gives this 'second confession' a different flair. It's the acceptance of all her different and conflicting parts specifically, rather than a general vague 'you'. It also explains why all those things are mentioned - he's not just stating them to randomly describe who she is, he's saying them as the things he likes.

Hope that helps clear anything you didn't know up! If you made deliberate choices - these are not 100% translation errors, so you don't need to change them. But I hope I've given some reasons for trying to accurately portray the nuance in JP by showing what it reveals!

I'd be quite willing to proofread your translations if you'd like my comments before you publish. Discord is @Eternalcakes All good if you don't!

 

[Goldis]

I love that in previous chapter when something happen around his sister he well become superhuman

But now, he is nothing but a man and his own raw power, not necessarily super like what he did with nanase

 

[Three6ty1]

Thanks for your hard work translating and everything. Looks and reads fantastic!
Fight scene action, translated dialogue, typesetting, all danged awesome.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write a full comment out. I do these "translations" pretty quickly with a lot of shortcuts by running it through a Google Translate extention and then proof reading it after I typeset it into the bubbles to make the process faster. Obviously, this isn't the proper way to do it and I've always been worried that I'm missing some cruical context especially in these scenes that are less straight forward and more geared towards feelings.

All of the mistranslations you pointed out ARE errors. I often connect bubbles together to make them form sentences and MTL usually concatenates sentences into just the basic meanings. Even if the MTL gives me something wrong, and I ignore the Japanese, unless it's really obvious, I try to make the English flow well. i.e. It's a product of my laziness

Pg44. Kasumi ha... 俺から巣立とう...
- You translated "leave the nest with me," which sounds like 'we are leaving the nest together,' but it's actually more "leaving the nest from me." Smoothly it might be, "(Kasumi is) leaving my nest." Issue of course being it's not quite the title drop. More specifically however, the 'location' being left is 俺. It has the implication that Onii-chan is the nest that she is leaving. This is much harder to translate into smooth English, so I wonder whether a TLN might have helped reveal this nuance, though it can be a bit of a visual/flow nuisance.

Actually, this does make more sense. The title drop does get put in at the end of the chapter so I think this is just trying to find a way to word it better. I think "Kasumi is leaving my nest" will work here.

Pg45, big future speech. You might notice that your script doesn't have him confirming when exactly they will get married, but he does actually say it in the JP. It struck me enough that I went to look at the raws, birthing this whole comment 😅
- それからな is actually, "After that, okay?" with the following で ("then"/"after that") being the connecting particle. It being な and not ね makes a significant difference here. So something like, "Of course, I don't mean to get married right away, though. We'll graduate highschool, go to college... After that, okay? Then I'll get a job... // this clears up the logic of the sentence I think. Small point, but gives clarity.

I will make this change! No comments here.

Pg48. 。。。のところも 。。。のところも 。。。のところも ずっと前から 大好きだった
- When Tetsu lists out these parts of Asuka, he's not saying 'reasons' or 'despites' for his liking her, but actually the parts of her that he likes. It is more, "The part of you that's bullish and not honest, the part of you that's also vulnerable and girlish and cute, and the part of you that supports and embraces me, for the longest time now (or, from the beginning), I've always loved them." // you might have gone your way deliberately, but again, just bringing this to your intention in case it was not deliberate. Also because my 'translation philosophy' is representing the original as much as possible. imo here it gives this 'second confession' a different flair. It's the acceptance of all her different and conflicting parts specifically, rather than a general vague 'you'. It also explains why all those things are mentioned - he's not just stating them to randomly describe who she is, he's saying them as the things he likes.

That does make it much better. My fear has come alive, not giving the scene enough justice in it's original language .

Hope that helps clear anything you didn't know up! If you made deliberate choices - these are not 100% translation errors, so you don't need to change them. But I hope I've given some reasons for trying to accurately portray the nuance in JP by showing what it reveals!

I'd be quite willing to proofread your translations if you'd like my comments before you publish. Discord is @Eternalcakes All good if you don't!

I've added you on Discord! Thank you so much.

 

[dirtylolotrainer]

This is fcking sweet, goddamnit😭

 

[Meijin]

He dropped the title. Making real progress here.

At last! After all these years I finally understand what the title means! It has haunted my mind for so long and now it knows peace from that mystery! Thank you kind sir!

 

[cokelemon]

After making her wait that long she deserved nothing less than a proposal tbh

 

[CT-9904]

Beautiful. Thank you for translating this