TELOMERE - Vol. 1 Ch. 4 - Episode 4 "Destiny's Children"

[MangaDex]

 

[wongsaraf]

 

[Michika]

I don't get it.
Now I get it. Thanks

 

[xanketsu]

I don't get it

They were watching The Fifth Element in that movie theater.

 

[nahui3]

Thanks for the chapter!

 

[Michika]

They were watching The Fifth Element in that movie theater.

Oh! Thanks then, I didn't know what movie it was and since I didn't know how to even look for it I thought it was something random.

 

[Michika]

Thanks for the chapter!

Thanks to you for reading it.

 

[ghinan18]

Searching golden Apple

So... Assassin's Creed reference? 🤣🤣🤣
Thanks for tl btw, waiting for update.

 

[Michika]

So... Assassin's Creed reference? 🤣🤣🤣
Thanks for tl btw, waiting for update.

It's true, I forget AC 😂

 

[Wachtail]

Thanks for the chapter!

 

[Michika]

Thanks for the chapter!

Thanks for reading it!

 

[abc003262202]

Your English has improved, I’m glad!

There are still some errors, and dialogue flows have room to improve, but it’s much better than the previous chapters.

 

[TestAddress]

Must be New York City. Maybe.

 

[Hicleric]

Good chapter. Nice and straightforward, although there's a fair bit of suspension of disbelief needed for power to still be on in the mall this long after the collapse.

 

[Snuffsaid]

That was great! What a sweet group dynamic. Thank you for the chapter!

 

[Corporal_Hawk]

Thanks for reading it!

This manga seems very interesting! It must be a lot of work.
Michika is there any way I could help you with the English?

 

[Michika]

This manga seems very interesting! It must be a lot of work.
Michika is there any way I could help you with the English?

Pray. It's the only thing that we can do

 

[Corporal_Hawk]

Pray. It's the only thing that we can do

Yes captain! T-T
Still wish I could help out.

 

[Giguv]

Damn, they have no idea that to cure zombies you need a splash potion of weakness in addition to the golden apple...

 

[moozooh]

Ok, since you asked to tell you if there were any mistakes, here goes.

• Never do backseat narration in margin notes. This is both unnecessary and highly disrespectful to the author; by doing so, you undermine their decision to communicate intention through visuals alone. If you want to point our attention to something you think we didn't know or notice, put the notes at the end of the chapter.
• Be confident in your your audience and treat them as adults. If they don't know what mackerel is or can't handle an uncommon word, they can google it just fine; you can choose to express a concept in simpler terms, and in many cases it's the best decision, but it's not your job to educate anyone. If the manga itself doesn't do it, the default assumption should be that the audience is aware of what the author is talking about.
• Use punctuation, and do it consistently. There are lots of missing commas, and your choice of finishing a line in a text bubble with a full stop seems completely random. The rule of thumb in professional translation is to end sentences with a full stop and connect sentences broken up across multiple bubbles with ellipses. (“A sentence may start in the first bubble...” “...continue in the next...” “...and finish in the last.”)
• Break up run-on sentences, a run-on sentence is like this one, which you could clearly break up into three, I hope this example makes it clear.
• The opposite issue is how you use pronouns right next to the nouns they're referring to, creating artificial breaks in your sentences. An example it's something like this. This thing it happens a lot in your lines. Note how in both cases I essentially refer to the same thing twice, so e.g. removing “it” in both sentences would fix them. I'm not sure if this normally happens in Spanish, but be mindful of that in English.
• If a line doesn't make sense or you're unsure what it means in context, you've almost definitely translated it wrong. What does “I can barely squeeze it” mean when Yuki's talking about the handgun? Did you mean the handle is too big for her hand? Is the trigger too stiff for her to pull? Or was she trying to squeeze some juice out of it? Please give some more thought to the meaning of the lines.
• Conversations are far too stilted. Think about how real people talk. Watch some natively English TV shows to have a reference. Speak your lines out loud to see if they feel too long or awkward.
• There are lots of basic grammar mistakes in every chapter, though I'm sure you're already aware. You can use services like Grammarly or even ChatGPT to proofread your lines for mistakes like these. Or you could study English—that never hurts.
• English quotation marks are “these”.「These」are Japanese quotation marks; they aren't used in English, and there isn't a single thing they can do that regular English quotation marks don't. So no need to ever use them.
• To avoid typeset text visually “popping out” of the image, ensure that black levels are uniform across the image. If the raws are too low-res, you can apply a high-quality upscale filter like Waifu2x or apply very slight blur to the text as well to make it blend in better (this is standard procedure in anime typesetting since line work in anime is never pixel-perfect). Never upscale raws in image editing programs using their default algorithms.