My main problem is how stiff the sentences read. It looks like you're simply doing literal translations which makes the characters feel bland. They're teenagers (or at least one of em is even if the rest are pretending), they should talk in more relaxed ways, if that makes sense.
This is probably due to 1) when working with two languages simultaneously, the other language inevitably influences my English at the moment, 2) I have read too many archaic literature and my language is casually very formal. I cannot guarantee that they will be thoroughly fixed next time because, if I'm being honest, I have a life besides translating manga that begins pressing on me recently. I'll still try, though, since this is one of my favourite series that I care about.
I will note that part of it is probably also deliberate. Miko and Shiori are youkais who lived for hundreds of years, and Shiori is specifically new and strange to the human world's customs. Hinako, mean while, is unusual and stoical for her age. At least for this chapter, the only person I feel like would work with the standard relaxed teenage speech is Tsubaki, who is also a few hundreds years old.