Until I Become Me - Ch. 68

[ArchivistAlex98]

I kind of get what you are saying, but they are not moping, but is someone who has been undergoing trauma for the last six years.

Jumping into this topic.

While I totally get that her being pretty much incapable of moving on and her perpetual state of internal negativity is like the entire point of this manga series it does make her like the least interesting part of this whole story despite her being the one we see the most and know the most about internally.

The fact that she perpetually view herself as the victim of some sort of "Punishment" means that any and all progress she ever makes towards is pretty much snuffed in the cradle to the point that it'll probably make her acceptance of it and moving on from the punishment mentality fell almost too surreal to believe.

The fact that an event which will realistically be almost completely forgotten by anyone else is just hanks over her like a Guillotine is also a very stifling plot point in and of itself.

These hangups really do make any actual development she gets almost invisible in nature.

Put simply I think it's a Drama story where the drama is at least somewhat detrimental to the story itself.

 

[MTScotty]

Jumping into this topic.

While I totally get that her being pretty much incapable of moving on and her perpetual state of internal negativity is like the entire point of this manga series it does make her like the least interesting part of this whole story despite her being the one we see the most and know the most about internally.

The fact that she perpetually view herself as the victim of some sort of "Punishment" means that any and all progress she ever makes towards is pretty much snuffed in the cradle to the point that it'll probably make her acceptance of it and moving on from the punishment mentality fell almost too surreal to believe.

The fact that an event which will realistically be almost completely forgotten by anyone else is just hanks over her like a Guillotine is also a very stifling plot point in and of itself.

These hangups really do make any actual development she gets almost invisible in nature.

Put simply I think it's a Drama story where the drama is at least somewhat detrimental to the story itself.

Well if we look at when Akira revealed the truth about their gender to Rumi, it seemed to be a turning point of healing when it comes their relationships. it's a slow process, but that is all healing processes. Their relationship with Rumi and Aoi became even stronger because she doesn't have to lie anymore. I mean even in this chapter, Akira, by talking to Sunohara's mom, is their redemption for turning down her son and unknowingly burning that bridge of someone she once called a friend at one point

The origin of their "punishment" is the disease which is understandable cause to a young child, a disease that has changed your whole identity and squashed every remnant of what was once dear to me (family, friends etc...) would feel like a punishment

but this "punishment" is very less crippling now and more of a small reminder of who he is now because right now they are getting used to their gender, exploring their female sexuality, wearing more female clothes etc... and them getting more comfortable has allowed to slowly open up like with Rumi/Aoi and now with Sunohara's mom

they are growing up because this is a coming of age story

Plus, since these are middle school kids, they tend to over exaggerate problems we adults consider mountains out of mole hills, but as people get older they (hopefully) get past that phase in their life

 

[ArchivistAlex98]

Well if we look at when Akira revealed the truth about their gender to Rumi, it seemed to be a turning point of healing when it comes their relationships. it's a slow process, but that is all healing processes. Their relationship with Rumi and Aoi became even stronger because she doesn't have to lie anymore. I mean even in this chapter, Akira, by talking to Sunohara's mom, is their redemption for turning down her son and unknowingly burning that bridge of someone she once called a friend at one point

The origin of their "punishment" is the disease which is understandable cause to a young child, a disease that has changed your whole identity and squashed every remnant of what was once dear to me (family, friends etc...) would feel like a punishment

but this "punishment" is very less crippling now and more of a small reminder of who he is now because right now they are getting used to their gender, exploring their female sexuality, wearing more female clothes etc... and them getting more comfortable has allowed to slowly open up like with Rumi/Aoi and now with Sunohara's mom

they are growing up because this is a coming of age story

Plus, since these are middle school kids, they tend to over exaggerate problems we adults consider mountains out of mole hills, but as people get older they (hopefully) get past that phase in their life

Being totally honest I find it kind of odd in a way that they really have such strong issues with it just from the perspective of gender itself in a vacuum separate from trauma.

I get that the trauma's there but because this all started in prepubescence he shouldn't have been strongly psychologically male to begin with. Kids barely have a defined identity at that point to begin with let alone one that strongly adheres to their gender expression. Like at this point she'd been a girl longer than she was a fully aware/conscious person back as a boy.

Though once again that's in a vacuum which excludes the assault-based trauma and caring far too much about being a not even really all that bad kid.

Really when it comes to her development as far as her hangups I hope she realizes at some point that they did more damage to her than she ever really did to them and just stops being sorry about the inconsequential things she did during early grade/primary school.

Because they really did do worse as in chapter 38/39 the video they saw actively had a negative effect on Akira which implies if not outright showcases genuine sexual trauma from that incident back when she was 7.

 

[MTScotty]

Being totally honest I find it kind of odd in a way that they really have such strong issues with it just from the perspective of gender itself in a vacuum separate from trauma.

I get that the trauma's there but because this all started in prepubescence he shouldn't have been strongly psychologically male to begin with. Kids barely have a defined identity at that point to begin with let alone one that strongly adheres to their gender expression. Like at this point she'd been a girl longer than she was a fully aware/conscious person back as a boy.

Though once again that's in a vacuum which excludes the assault-based trauma and caring far too much about being a not even really all that bad kid.

Really when it comes to her development as far as her hangups I hope she realizes at some point that they did more damage to her than she ever really did to them and just stops being sorry about the inconsequential things she did during early grade/primary school.

Because they really did do worse as in chapter 38/39 the video they saw actively had a negative effect on Akira which implies if not outright showcases genuine sexual trauma from that incident back when she was 7.

heck, now that i think about it, maybe the bullying in first gradewasn't the reason for what they considered "punishment" because as the manga goes on, any mention of the girl they bullied is mentioned less.

I think the real "punishment" or "karma" is their inactions in order to keep the status quo, so their mom is happy, so that their friends won't go away etc...

it's a form of denial that is very commen in young people, and it is turned up to eleven when you add gender identity

because of Akira's inactions, they acted and looked more boyish to apease their mom until Rumi's unknowing interference, their relationship with Rumi and Aoi (especially Rumi) became strained and hot/cold because they were lying about the truth, they agreed to go with Sunohara in a yukata just to make Emi happy, so when they turned him down, ONE could make the argument that it looked like they were leading him on (I don't agree with this argument), thus this caused to bridges burn between the three of them etc...

So when Akira FINALLY told Rumi and Aoi the truth, it was the their very first step to heal and grow into a person who actually expresses freely. it's going a long road, but at least she has a direction now with a great support system

Ps: they didn't sexual trauma from the porn video. the porn video caused ptsd caused the actress looked like them, and the position of the gang bang was similar to when they got assaulted when he was in first grade

 

[TheLostLight]

Finding a condom during trash pickup is just a classic childhood experience, huh?

 

[Thrembs]

Oh, dear.
I don't think anyone or anything is on-model.

 

[StormSen]

I kind of get what you are saying, but they are not moping, but is someone who has been undergoing trauma for the last six years.

She hasn't been undergoing trauma. She's had a fairly normal level of stress (and happiness and relaxation).

• She's physically healthy. Hasn't lost an arm or a leg or an eye. (Okay, she lost her "third leg", but is physically healthy.)
• She isn't suffering physical, mental or emotional abuse.
• Emotionally and mentally she has been given a ton of help. And that help isn't even overbearing -- most of it is "there if she needs it".
• Her mother moved to a new location specifically to make her life easier.
• True, her mother did want Akira to return to being male, but she didn't push hard on that, and has apparently accepted Akira going female.
• I'm not sure about the reason for the divorce, but we haven't seen him causing a big problem. I think there was something about a dragon bag a couple of chapters back... As I recall Dad seemed awkward, but supportive.
• She has a pretty normal suite of friends both male and female. She has good relations with her classmates.
• Aside from the moping and absurdly stretched out "am I or aren't I?" question, she seems quite comfortable being female. Author could have easily written her as someone deeply distressed about the forced sex change -- but the author doesn't do that.

Answering some specifics:

• I'm not sure about reason for divorce, but as I recall, Dad is awkardly supportive. (IDK chapter for the "dragon bag" story.)
• Mom wanted/expected Akira to change back, and that was an issue, but it was relatively mild. Mom seems pretty supportive, and accepted Akira's desires to go more femme. I don't recall substantial depression much less a near mental breakdown.
• She got some mild roughhousing from the boys and some (deserved) pushback from the girls at her old school. And then she quickly moved away. It was mild and was years ago.
• Reset her entire life: She still has Mom, plus grandma, and other family. And having to deal with a move isn't "trauma", it's pretty normal for most families. (And it's only one move, not repeated moves like some kids have to put up with.)
• Dating debacle: Pretty normal school drama.
• Private school for similar people: Never happened and wouldn't have been trauma if it did.
• Hiding her sex change from her friends. This isn't something that happened to her, it's something that she did, thus not trauma that she "suffered". I agree that hiding this was stressful. But "stress" isn't "trauma".
• Grandma going to hospital. Yes, that was stressful. No, it's not trauma. It was also fairly short. (And it's also not unusual. Close ones get sick and even die. That certainly happened to some of her classmates as well.)
• Boy vs. Girl: Again, she got a ton of support for whatever direction she wanted to go. Mom was hard leaning towards "back to boy", but Mom accepted her going femme, so that was resolved long ago. The other "examples" you give are just normal people/children comments and suggestions.

 

[Beastkun]

LOL Rumi

with that sad now that im caught up im REALLY looking forward to more

 

[TakashiSon]

"you smell of another woman"how cute ,btw Rumi is tall as hell