@KathleenNoir Personally i think its alright. Not an English major so take my words with a grain of salt.
The English (Im someone who can't differentiate the difference between grammar, vocab and sentence structure) ends up weird at times but i mostly chalk it up to the girl being a beginner in Japanese. The rest isn't quite "wrong" either.
Take page 4 chapter 4.4
"After playing a lot, you must be hungry."
"You must be hungry after playing a lot." Not much difference.