The biggest things I'd point out:
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Page 1: Because English sentence structure is different than Japanese, the text in panel 2's box needs to be moved to the end, and the other two boxes shifted over
[Because I had never been loved like that before]
[I was afraid my heart would be thrown into confusion.]
[So I pretended like it meant nothing.]
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Page 9: Yuyu, as established in chapter 9, refers to Evris as (her) sister, but here you've turned that into Yuyu referring to Evris as
Ciel's sister.
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Page 13: "But if it's His Highness's older brother," should be "But if you're..."