In a situation teeming with bewildering things, Subaru winds up going back to Rem's sleeping room.
Ever since he got back to Crusch's mansion, whenever he had any time he'd find himself here at her side. He is weak enough to hope that, although he knows that it won't happen, she might possibly wake up. Subaru is not brave or spirited enough to face Emilia in his current mood. And Emilia must understand that Subaru feels hopeless. She knows that being with him would only hurt him, and is giving him his time alone unless he requests otherwise. Even though she must be jittery too.
Again he was imposing on people's care, attempting to pacify his weakness. And though he detests that weakness, and has no rationalizations to defend himself, he is here.
Subaru: “You told me I'm strong, but... if I'm not with you, my bravado just disappears, Rem.”
Rem's condition hasn't changed the slightest bit since before he went to the lounge. She is breathing. Her heart is beating. But there are no other signs of life. She is here, but not. Now, she exists only inside Subaru. Yet,
Subaru: “—What a twist it is to see you here.”
???: “Is it really so strange for me to be here? I would've known her too. So, should be fine for me to wander in and take a look.”
Subaru: “How could you dare say that?”
While touching sleeping Rem's forehead, Subaru glares at the long-tailed grey cat. That the spirit, who had hidden away during the talk in the lounge, had been here in this place inspires nothing but discomfort. Subaru's sharp glare makes Puck reply sadly,
Puck: “Why are you glaring like that? Did I do something?”
Subaru: “...I'm sure you did nothing, this time. Emilia-tan was looking for you, you really think it's fine to be hanging around in here?”
Puck: “If you're gonna ask if it's 'fine', then that's a bit tricky. It isn't as though Lia restricts my freedoms, but if you're asking if I wanted to upset her then no, I didn't.”
Mutters Puck jovially as he rubs at his beard.
Puck: “But,”
Puck approaches Subaru's face.
Puck: “For now I thought it was best I speak with you, Subaru.”
Subaru: “...Watching you acting like you're seeing through everything's pissing me off.”
Subaru clicks his tongue and averts his gaze, but Puck just waits quietly. Subaru sighs, and although loathe to go along with Puck's plans,
Subaru: “You didn't teach Emilia about the Witch Cult. For what aim.”
Puck: “Aims have nothing in it. If it's something you can live without knowing then isn't it fine not to know it? I would've answered if she asked, but Lia never really did... If it's better not to be involved with them, then don't you think it's better not to be involved?”
Subaru: “Sure. What'd be best is somewhere where she's fine not knowing, with no reason for them to know about her, so they won't get involved with her. But Emilia's not like that now. She's left the forest, and she's in a national contest to become Ruler. So, it's inevitable she would run into them. —And you must've known that.”
Subaru speaks with his voice low and menacing. But Puck easily lets it wash off, just floatin'.
Puck: “I did predict the Witch Cult'd show up. But I'd say that whether or not I tell that to Lia's another topic.”
Subaru: “But it could've let Emilia and those around her avoid danger! I don't know what you're thinking, but with what would've happened here when you just leave Emilia...!”
Puck: “I see. So you must've worked hard to save Lia. And this girl was a sacrifice for saving Lia. Well then, I'll have to thank her—”
That instant, Subaru's thoughts ignore everything and divert entirely into slamming out a fist. With not a shred of hesitation, he drives the fist at Puck with all the force he can muster. But Puck easily avoids Subaru's strike, looking surprised.
Puck: “That was pretty shocking all of a sudden, what happened?”
Subaru: “Never touch Rem again. Not your hands, or mouth.”
Subaru's voice is so quiet that it surprises himself. His emotions are overboiled. He might even be acting insane. Puck stares at Subaru, eyes wide.
Puck: “Got it.”
Puck stretches.
Puck: “I apologize for the careless words, sorry. Said something I shouldn'tve. I dunno if this'll make up for it, but... We could talk about GLUTTONY for a minute.”
Subaru: “...What'll happen if I hear it?”
Puck: “I think if you know that this girl's someone whose NAME and MEMORIES've been eaten, then maybe you'll be more likely to get what you're after, Subaru.”
Subaru's head jerks back up. Puck nods at that reaction, his nose twitching as he looks up, searching his memory.
Puck: “Putting GLUTTONY's Authority in simple terms, it's the power to eat. Eating the person's NAME robs other people's memory of them, while eating the person's MEMORIES robs their own memory. If both are stolen, all that's left is an empty husk. Husks can't do anything, and nothing happens to them. That girl lines up just exactly.”
Subaru: “Name and, memories...”
Crusch had her memories eaten, Rem had both. These damages were a result of that Authority.
Subaru: “Will defeating the Cardinal of GLUTTONY bring them back?”
Puck: “Now, who knows. Puking back what they've eaten... is a pretty gross way to say it, but I wonder if it's possible. Would have to ask the eaters themselves on that one though.”
Subaru: “But, there's a chance. It's there. A chance to bring back Rem!”
Subaru glances back. Rem's still there, deep in sleep. She is breathing. Her heart is beating. Her body is alive. The demon had only consumed her name and spirit. So, there is hope.
Subaru: “I am obliterating the Cardinal of GLUTTONY.”
Puck: “I don't think that's a good word to be using.”
Subaru doesn't pay Puck's words any mind. Subaru's final stronghold is to cling to that hope.
—When Subaru returned to the Capital, heard about the attack on Rem's group, saw her condition, and learned that there wasn't a way to bring her back, Subaru unhesitatingly stabbed himself through the throat with a dagger. He couldn't remember what he felt then. He had achieved everything in the optimum way, answered to everyone's expectations with all he had—and felt absolutely no reluctance about losing it.
If he was going to lose Rem, if he was heading toward a future without her, then he'd undergo the suffering no matter how many times it'd take—that much, he did remember.
Stabbed his throat, and with the blood and the pain and the heat and loss, he felt the sensation of himself departing. When it cleared, what Subaru saw before him was a bed where Rem lay.
The respawn point had updated. The point to redo had changed. Subaru had been thrust into hell. Thinking that something must be wrong, Subaru went to commit suicide once more, but hesitated. It wasn't that he was afraid of pain or death. It was simply that he had realized it.
Even if he hypothetically went back to the previous respawn point, Subaru couldn't save Rem. If he went back to the point before the fight with Betelgeuse and after the fight with the White Whale, then he would've already had time pass since he split up with Rem. He could try to catch up to her group, but he wouldn't make it in time. And most importantly, retreating to save Rem would mean throwing away Emilia. And how would returning and properly explaining the situation give him any strategies for beating the two Cardinals? Subaru and Julius were essential for beating Betelgeuse. Emilia couldn't escape from the mansion to the highway unscathed without Wilhelm.
If he was going to save Rem, then Emilia—if he was going to save Emilia, then Rem—if he didn't make the respective sacrifice, he wouldn't save either. Because he realized what a cruel choice it was, the hand going to foster Subaru's suicide stopped before the dagger pierced his throat.
Different from with the White Whale's FOG, Rem's body is right there, but nobody remembers her. And there is Subaru, at her side, dumbstruck and unable to do anything.
This pathetic, hopeless hour ends here. He will end it here. Subaru takes Rem's hand, resolving himself. This time, definitely, he resolves himself.
—I, no matter what, am going to,
Subaru: “—Bring you back, Rem. No matter what, I'll bring you back.”
Subaru had told her. That he'd show her, show her the man she loved, become the ultimate hero. So, would he not still be midway through his course?
Subaru: “I'm, no matter what... Your hero will, no matter what, come to get you. —Be waiting for me.”
He raises his head. Bares his teeth. Pronounces war on the enemy. He will make them regret touching what shouldn't be touched, encroaching on what shouldn't be encroached. And it'd be no man other than Natsuki Subaru.
Subaru: “No matter what. —No matter what!!”
He couldn't bear his memories of his days starting from zero being ones without her. No matter what, bring it back.
Bring back the days he lost, the hours they lived together, the hours they would live together. Once again, his hands would reel everything back in, unfailingly.
