spilling my heart here just cause

[bobby2kx]

mega random post, just idk where else to post this. i mainly lurk around on this forum, have commented and reacted a couple of times.
so there is a girl i used to have a thing with - we previously had a talking phase and dated, but i will tell the whole story as quickly as i can. also sorry if there are any typos, i am crying right now and am not in the mood to spell check.
a bit of background of myself - i am an 18yo young boy who has eaten antidepressants since 16, i had a rough childhood and negligent parents so i didn't know what love and proper care felt like for a very long period of my life. i was sexually abused by an older woman in my early teenage years and was left traumatised because of it. i was told that i should have enjoyed it or been happy that i got a chance with a woman like her. but that's enough for now.
so this girl and i got placed in the same class in the 10th grade (about to graduate rn). spring that year was really hard on me, since my parents were arguing a lot and i was caught between them, forced to side with one while caring for my brothers and trying not to get kicked out of school, i had to get good grades too because of my fear of my mother screaming at me. my father attempted suicide that spring and it opened up a vault of many feelings that were previously repressed. during that time, by chance i started talking with that girl - let's name her valk. valk started to comfort me and i quickly fell for her, and i was scared. but she said it was okay, so i fell even more and really hard. at that time, she was the light at the end of the tunnel for me.- suddenly one day though, she started to grow distant, replying slower and drier. until she said she "wasn't ready" for anything serious. i accepted it, but it in reality fucked me up. i started doing drugs, hanging out with people who had bad influences on me, did shit i'm still traumatised from, i even was in a life or death situation - that's how bad the group was. i was at my lowest when i found out that she left me for someone else and started doing drugs just like me.
but i had a change of heart suddenly and felt strength for the first time in my life, i got a job and started working to keep my mind of things, and it worked. until i started talking to her again. i'm not sure how it happened, but we both fell for each other again (this is around aug-sep). we started the new school year and after some time we started dating. we didn't date for long however, since i never reflected on my problems nor faced my demons. i had a mental breakdown and broke up with her.
i regretted it instantly. i pleaded with her to forgive me - i understand why she didn't, i could tell how hurt she was. i was in a weird state where all that mattered was her. i just wanted her back so much and i spammed and spammed and spammed until she had no choice other than to block me. i knew it was for the better but i was hurting so much. i couldn't bear to look at her at school, because i would have to run to the bathroom to throw up. i cried everyday.
ffw to now, where i'm still not over her completely, but am getting better. i don't get the same feeling in my gut when i look at her, atleast i didn't until our "graduation trip". we went to turkey, and there i started talking to her by chance again. i quickly understood how cooked i was, since the gut feeling came back. i couldn't sleep during the trip because of it. it got worse when i got a sense of her throwing hints at me - fyi i haven't done anything with a girl since her, i just can't look at others like that. i talked it through with a girl friend of mine, who is probably the closest person to me and knows the most secrets about me. she agreed, and now after returning home, i just want to talk to valk so much. i don't know what to do. i really don't. she was supposed to come to this local party this friday and probably hang out at my place.
I want her to come over. but would it be right? what happens if my feelings are completely restored? im going away to the army and she is moving away, what am i going to do then?
if u read all of this, thank you. i really dont have anyone to tell this to nor anywhere else to post this. but again, thank you.

 

[Manko-sensei]

First of all, you're not to blame for any of this. Second, you have the strength to overcome it, as you've overcame the worst part (the drugs and the bad influences, it's not a minor thing). For psycological and legal assistance, find a non-profit-making association in your country who is experienced in child abuse. This is not about revenge, but the financial expenses you've had to cover and are going to cover must be covered by the person who raped you, that's why you need to bring her to court. They will know how to handle this so you come to terms with what happened and be able to express yourself. Since you also described a difficult family situation, they may help you with that too, as it left scars and in case you have siblings they'll be protected. Help them however you can, they will return the same kindness to you. As for your ex-girlfriend, I only see a toxic relationship that will make you fall again if you enter again in the same loop. For now, you need to stand for yourself and love yourself, that way you won't be in a co-dependency relationship again. I'm assuming military service is compulsary in your country: I don't see how right now that can help your situation, if you're under medical care you won't be forced to and you'll be able to do therapy. Distracting you with work like you did is a good call, since you can save money for future expenses and you're not overthinking the same facts. So I insist, there are non-profit-making associations in every country that can help you, and maybe even some medical care from your government, they'll help you with any bureaucratic wall. I hope this can be of some help as I cannot do anything else for you, I've met several people going through similar experiences and this is not something you can overcome alone, but you definitely can with them.
A final word: some people will try to put the blame on you nevertheless, ignore them.

 

[bobby2kx]

First of all, you're not to blame for any of this. Second, you have the strength to overcome it, as you've overcame the worst part (the drugs and the bad influences, it's not a minor thing). For psycological and legal assistance, find a non-profit-making association in your country who is experienced in child abuse. This is not about revenge, but the financial expenses you've had to cover and are going to cover must be covered by the person who raped you, that's why you need to bring her to court. They will know how to handle this so you come to terms with what happened and be able to express yourself. Since you also described a difficult family situation, they may help you with that too, as it left scars and in case you have siblings they'll be protected. Help them however you can, they will return the same kindness to you. As for your ex-girlfriend, I only see a toxic relationship that will make you fall again if you enter again in the same loop. For now, you need to stand for yourself and love yourself, that way you won't be in a co-dependency relationship again. I'm assuming military service is compulsary in your country: I don't see how right now that can help your situation, if you're under medical care you won't be forced to and you'll be able to do therapy. Distracting you with work like you did is a good call, since you can save money for future expenses and you're not overthinking the same facts. So I insist, there are non-profit-making associations in every country that can help you, and maybe even some medical care from your government, they'll help you with any bureaucratic wall. I hope this can be of some help as I cannot do anything else for you, I've met several people going through similar experiences and this is not something you can overcome alone, but you definitely can with them.
A final word: some people will try to put the blame on you nevertheless, ignore them.

thank you, i had thought about the non profits myself, but i fear that it's too late to go to court anymore, since the woman who defiled me has since passed. however, i will take your advice and not pursue anything with this girl, no matter how hard it will be. seeing you write such a long and heart felt response was amazing, really. i haven't read something like this for awhile, something that is directed towards me.
about the military, it is compulsory and i am already commited. we had to go through many medical tests (including psychiatric) and i passed (i was feeling okay at the time ig).
as for my family, i won't think of leaving for the time being, as i am the oldest brother and wish to keep an eye on my younger siblings, though i have to admit my parents have done a good job raising them.
and a last thank you, you said that you hope that this would be of some help - it definitely was. it helped me clear my mind a little and i am ready to face my demons. thank you, and i only wish for the best for you.

 

[Manko-sensei]

You're welcome. You can ask about that case anyway, since normally that happens because other people cover for them so they share responsability. For instance, when it comes to Church clergymen, even if they passed away, in some countries they managed to get an indemnification either from the institution or the government. So it doesn't matter if those people who covered for her are jailed, fired or just scolded, what matters is how much those expenses can be covered. And if you're set to military service just try to form new friendships, when it was compulsory in my country those who did usually it ended with new friends and connections.

 

[TestAddress]

DAMN. THE ARMY. THE BOOGEYMAN.

If you can, elope. IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. FORGET THE ''PORTS OR EVEN THE PHONES. Both you and your girl. THROW THEM. THEY WILL FIND YOU THAT WAY.

You are being forced into your own death, I know why you are crying. Anyway, I hope the message is not too late.

GET OUT. NOW.

 

[BerntDasBrot]

Just randomly stumbled upon this post and wanted to say thank you.
It helped me realize some stuff about myself, even if my overall situation is different.

Good luck with the military and everything else you might be dealing with right now.

 

[quorramoon]

I hope it worked out to what's best for you and valk

 

[TestAddress]

thank you, i had thought about the non profits myself, but i fear that it's too late to go to court anymore, since the woman who defiled me has since passed. however, i will take your advice and not pursue anything with this girl, no matter how hard it will be. seeing you write such a long and heart felt response was amazing, really. i haven't read something like this for awhile, something that is directed towards me.
about the military, it is compulsory and i am already commited. we had to go through many medical tests (including psychiatric) and i passed (i was feeling okay at the time ig).
as for my family, i won't think of leaving for the time being, as i am the oldest brother and wish to keep an eye on my younger siblings, though i have to admit my parents have done a good job raising them.
and a last thank you, you said that you hope that this would be of some help - it definitely was. it helped me clear my mind a little and i am ready to face my demons. thank you, and i only wish for the best for you.

True, forget the girl, but file a report in case. She might be grooming other 16-something kids. The police will bag her and probably bang her (with a gun, not the figurative) immediately if caught in the act.