God, if you spent 12 hours on proofreading, how about installing a spellchecker first? The typesetting looks decent so I'll assume you actually put efforts in and this is not a troll attempt so here are some constructive comments:
- Yes, please run your translation through a grammar checker/spellchecker. Too many apostrophes missing/redundant. It's okay to take 12 hours to get your translation proofread. It's okay to take 12 days to get it proofread. A good product that takes time to produce is better than a hastily done bad one.
- Make efforts to use as few Japanese words as possible. Honorifics are up to your styles, some people like them, some don't. But it's best if you try to match it with the style the previous group has been using, since it is more consistent that way. But please for the love of god, do not leave words like "baka", "sugoi" in. It makes your translation look dumb and less professional. Please don't be another SquigglesJP.
- Try to translate the sound effects. You don't need to edit them in, just put a note like "SFX: yawns" outside the panel.
- Punctuation.
- Tone it down a bit with the word wrapping. If you have to do it because of long words, make sure it wraps at syllable break. Cos-player vs. cosp-layer for example.
- President -> prez, not pres.
- Put in some efforts to match your translation to the context. E.g. in page 113, is it a good idea to put "We are going to kiss here" there? Should the subject be "we"?