When you blame your past or holding back from enjoying life out of not wanting to be selfish, you are incredibly kind.
You dont want to hurt others as you know well how it feels to get hurt. So you bury your impulsive reactions and go the extra mile for others to not be hurt. This is how humanity thrives. You act to bring relief for others as that brings relief to you.
Self-blame is a sign that you care, and that is an invaluable trait. So much so that the next time you feel like you want to beat yourself up, you can say thank you to yourself for noticing something is not right; you have the conscience. Give some space between that feeling and action.
You dont need to act on what self-blame tends to suggest you should do: let yourself get exhausted, then hide, avoid, or isolate to recover. If you just give space for even 5 minutes to not act on these, you realize how unhelpful these are. The feelings are good-faith, but the implementation is terrible. Don't add oil to the fire. Use the fire to cook.
If you don't know how to cook it, then ask someone who might know how. Ask a friend. A chef. A theraphist. Ask our beloved Eiai (heh, get it? AI). You often be surprised by how glad they are to receive your request for help. You give them the opportunity to make themselves feel good from being able to help you.
Point is, reach out. The answers are probably out there. You probably know a way forward already. Even if not, just doing something different leads to different results, then you will know better afterwards. You learn, improve, and grow. Let self-blame be a point where you take a step back to see the bigger picture. As you have this great capability to care, direct that attention to what you can do to bring the most happiness to you and others.
The world is chaotic. Your inner-world much so too. But you are rare and valuable that you can bring joy magnitudes greater than what you thought. Thank you for reading. And thank you for scanlating, xunscans. Lets enjoy this manga (and our lives) till the very end!
