The Flower Dances and the Wind Sings - Ch. 19
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if I become a soon to be mother and people treats me like that, I'd want to die too aha
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This is why I don't even wanna get married or have kids. I don't want my life to be like this. I also know I'll be a terrible mother. She must have been suffocated. Though, the way she treated the poor boy really hurts my heart and wasn't fair. The boy was even lucky she didn't smother him with a pillow. She's lucky she got a second chance cuz in really life it won't be like this.
This was really one of the issues of those times and even now. I'm glad this webtoon is talking about it.
This was really one of the issues of those times and even now. I'm glad this webtoon is talking about it.
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This chapter is wonderful, but deeply sad. She got married to a man she had met all of three times, just to be pregnant within a very short period I’m assuming. In a unfamiliar place full of people who aren’t “hers” and we soon as the word is out that she’s got a child developing she gets the incubator treatment. It’s no wonder how she turned out with her son, she went from a loving family to being a commodity for heir production with no autonomy. And to think he had absolutely no care for her struggles really says something about him. At least now she can at least repair her bond with her son, and have an actual family 
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I don't know why Ercella's reaction is so controversial here or that she's stupid for reacting that way. Fun fact, even today many women feel the same way like Ercella when they are pregnant!
Academics studying motherhood and psychology have studied feelings of "depersonalization" that many pregnant women experienced. It can be disorienting, even for women with wanted pregnancies, to be told that you can't do certain things because the baby might get harmed. For example, you can't drink alcohol because of the baby, even though previously nobody cared if you chug a vodka bottle a day. You can't get injured because it might hurt the baby, so it would seem that they'd be okay with her getting injured if she's not pregnant.
So it's quite common for pregnant women to feel like their body is not "theirs" and then resent others for it. For a lot of women, this depersonalization could be a minor weird thing but for others, especially those with unwanted and/or unexpexted pregnancies like Ercella, it could manifest to a larger problem like postpartum depression.
Academics studying motherhood and psychology have studied feelings of "depersonalization" that many pregnant women experienced. It can be disorienting, even for women with wanted pregnancies, to be told that you can't do certain things because the baby might get harmed. For example, you can't drink alcohol because of the baby, even though previously nobody cared if you chug a vodka bottle a day. You can't get injured because it might hurt the baby, so it would seem that they'd be okay with her getting injured if she's not pregnant.
So it's quite common for pregnant women to feel like their body is not "theirs" and then resent others for it. For a lot of women, this depersonalization could be a minor weird thing but for others, especially those with unwanted and/or unexpexted pregnancies like Ercella, it could manifest to a larger problem like postpartum depression.
If you're still on the "I don't get why she's depressed, and I can't accept her treatment of Vicete" boat, don't worry. The future chapters will fill you up with the feels of "Well, goddamn, Ercella. No wonder."
Her descent into depression and her complete loss of her individuality and personal identity is only just beginning folks.
First, it's the "father's" first sign of approval now that she has the baby he wants.
Then, it's the realization that the maid wasn't concerned about her, she was concerned about the fetus.
And then: (just pulling examples out of my vague memory)
😢 Poor Ercella. I mean, keep in mind guys, she was a teenager who married another teenager. It's not like it's easy or even socially accepted and supported in THIS era to be a teenage mom. And this girl went from a warm, loving family and being the "belle of the ball" to dealing with all that shi* listed above within about ONE YEAR. Frankly, after all she endured, its a damn miracle she didn't snuff baby Vicete out in his sleep with a pillow (though we wouldn't have a story to read then). If I'd been Ercella, I would've gotten a damn nanny and said to hell with all the rest. No damn lie.
Sure, Vicete didn't do anything to deserve being treated as he was, but Ercella is also not at fault for suffering depression, not having any support while she was breaking, and behaving only in whatever way she could to continue living. Her actions are completely understandable. They are both unfortunate people. Life isn't fair.
If anything, I feel like it boils down to "Holy cow, that was the wrong damn year to get pregnant."
Also, sex ed classes are important ya'll. Babies shouldn't have babies. Etc. etc.
(Oh, and, just let me hear some MoFo tell somebody to treat depression with "light walks and thinking nice thoughts" because depression is bad for the baby. It'd be time to throw down with that person ☠)
Her descent into depression and her complete loss of her individuality and personal identity is only just beginning folks.
First, it's the "father's" first sign of approval now that she has the baby he wants.
Then, it's the realization that the maid wasn't concerned about her, she was concerned about the fetus.
And then: (just pulling examples out of my vague memory)
Ercella's waiting all day for ML to come home turns into her becoming very isolated and scared; she winds up totally co-dependant on ML's attention to feel secure.
Ercella experiences terrible morning sickness and mood swings. She doesn't understand what's happening to her and to her emotions which fuels her insecurity and fears. She grows anxious because "don't all women go through this just fine? What if I'm the only one who's like this? If so, aren't I being a burden? If I'm a burden, won't I be abandoned??" All of this, particularly her mood swings, leads to friction in her relationship with ML, because she is always upset with him and he is frustrated because he doesn't understand what her deal is. Ercella then starts to drown in feelings of guilt towards the ML, because she also doesn't understand why she is the way she is. In any case, ML's answer to this issue is to call a doctor to examine her every time he grows concerned; it gets to the point where doctors are constantly visiting the mansion. And (I fumed at this panel) a doctor tells her "depression isn't good for the baby; you need to go for light walks and think nice thoughts." (I was like "oh, you mutherF*ing quack piece of s**t 😡".
In her fear, depression, and desperation she writes about her concerns to her mother. It takes her mother a while to be able to visit, but she does finally come to Ercella and offer some words of comfort saying "it'll be over soon". To which Ercella replies in tears "No, it's too hard! -- Can't you visit me every day? Can't you stay with me? Please, mom?? Her mother says "actually...no. Your father has collapsed. He has only a few months left."
Ercella wants to go back to her family home to be with her father until he dies. She is not permitted to go (because she is pregnant). She never sees her father again.
She wakes up one night and realizes ML is not in bed next to her. She winds up running through the halls calling for him, not even wearing both of her slippers (remember she is fully codependent by this point). When she finds him, all he has to say is basically "I'm sorry. -- I'm joining the war" and thus, she is left completely alone, pregnant, depressed, and afraid in that desolate house.
While ML is gone to war, her father-in-law dies. Before his body even has time to grow cold, ML's uncle shows up and tries to take over the family as the heir to the duchy (in place of ML). Ercella holds her ground well and says "if you want to do that, you'll have to wait until my husband comes home. You can talk to him yourself." To this, he tells her that she is flat-out stupid. Of course ML isn't coming home from the war; he was ordered to go in the name of the king! "He was a complete fool for choosing you! Did you really think he'd get away with declining a proposal from the princess? Sure he might've married you because your family could offer some protection, but that's just protection from the most obvious sorts of retaliation. He was sent to war and that's where he will die." After hearing this, Ercella notices ALL the staff/maids/personnel giving her dirty looks. She realizes that everyone believes that the ML's decision to marry her was undesirable. That SHE is completely unwelcome in that house.
As if the ML's uncle wasn't bad enough. Former suitor guy comes around and starts popping off at the mouth saying stuff like "Assuming he's still alive, he's going to die in the war in the end. And since you won't inherit the duchy with him, you are going to wind up as nothing but a widow with a child. You'll carry that shameful label around for the rest of your life. Why sit back and wait for that to happen? Really, why should your whole life be wasted in shame because you made just one wrong decision? In the end...aren't I your best choice after all?" -- She is shaken and afraid, because he could be correct, but she doesn't give in and she tells him off resolutely. Meanwhile, she tells herself "Harsen will return. -- He has to return."
When ML finally returns from the war, he comes back dragging suitor boy behind him and trailing pools of blood. He shows little, if any, acknowledgement of Ercella's presence at all. He immediately begins transitioning into the position of duke and so becomes insanely busy all the time. --Oh, and along the way, he has everyone in his family that was involved in trying to take over his place hanged or otherwise killed. --- When it comes to his relationship with Ercella, they apparently don't speak much at all. He is shown getting up and dressing to go survey the estate before dawn, without Ercella knowing he had planned to do so that day. When she asks why he's leaving, and hears his reply, she then asks to go with him. He refuses her, and basically says its dangerous and stay put. On top of this, now that the ML is home again, she finally realizes that she is "nothing" in that house, saying "Although I am a duchess, it is meaningless. Even to the servants, my opinion and will don't matter at all when Harsen is not standing beside me." She closes the book she was using to study a foreign language (which she might've used as a duchess), since she realizes that learning it is pointless. -- In desperation to lift her mood and fill the emptiness inside, she ultimately starts going out to banquets and parties during Harsen's estate surveys. She doesn't tell him, but she assumes the servants will rat her out anyways. When ML returns to the mansion after his estate surveys, she waits for him out in front of the mansion and wonders if he'll speak to her about the fact that she's been going out to banquets and parties in his absence. However, he remains reticent. If he knows what she's been doing, he doesn't speak one word about it to her.
After giving birth, Harsen is the one who decides to name the kid 'Vicete.' He rarely ever visits the kid's nursery or spends time with Ercella. Ercella starts to feel her insecurities grow due to his lack of attention. After all, before all this happened, he used to be so considerate of her. She looks in the mirror and worries "is it because I am no longer attractive?" (I got the feeling she was actually wondering "am I no longer attractive after being pregnant and giving birth?) -- Eventually, she starts spending more time in the nursery because she thinks that even if he won't visit her because he is displeased with her, she will at least be able to see him when he visits the child. She eventually realizes he doesn't ever really do that.
After dealing with: a mega-shit-ton of isolation, 2 deaths in the family, the constant judgement by her spouse and numerous doctors, being essentially abandoned by her mother and husband in her time of need, volatile confrontations with her spousal family, the inescapable fear of becoming a penniless widow and single mother if ML died at war, watching the husband that she hardly knew turn into a cold, blood-soaked killer and a distant father-figure, persistent depression, and the condescension of everyone around her including her subordinates... she is left holding baby Vicete on the verge of being totally emotionally and psychologically broken.
One day she's holding a sleeping Vicete and she gazes at his face; before she knows it, "...Its like he isn't my child" slips out of her mouth. A maid hears her, but Ercella plays it off. Still, she is left with her thoughts along the lines of "what is this? Why am I like this? This is my child. But I don't feel any pride. I don't feel..."
On another day, some time later, she looks at baby Vicete crying in his cradle and essentially thinks "...Why? ...How has it come to this? Whether I hear you laugh. Whether I hear you cry. --- I just despise that you exist."
One day she's holding a sleeping Vicete and she gazes at his face; before she knows it, "...Its like he isn't my child" slips out of her mouth. A maid hears her, but Ercella plays it off. Still, she is left with her thoughts along the lines of "what is this? Why am I like this? This is my child. But I don't feel any pride. I don't feel..."
On another day, some time later, she looks at baby Vicete crying in his cradle and essentially thinks "...Why? ...How has it come to this? Whether I hear you laugh. Whether I hear you cry. --- I just despise that you exist."
😢 Poor Ercella. I mean, keep in mind guys, she was a teenager who married another teenager. It's not like it's easy or even socially accepted and supported in THIS era to be a teenage mom. And this girl went from a warm, loving family and being the "belle of the ball" to dealing with all that shi* listed above within about ONE YEAR. Frankly, after all she endured, its a damn miracle she didn't snuff baby Vicete out in his sleep with a pillow (though we wouldn't have a story to read then). If I'd been Ercella, I would've gotten a damn nanny and said to hell with all the rest. No damn lie.
Sure, Vicete didn't do anything to deserve being treated as he was, but Ercella is also not at fault for suffering depression, not having any support while she was breaking, and behaving only in whatever way she could to continue living. Her actions are completely understandable. They are both unfortunate people. Life isn't fair.
If anything, I feel like it boils down to "Holy cow, that was the wrong damn year to get pregnant."
Also, sex ed classes are important ya'll. Babies shouldn't have babies. Etc. etc.
(Oh, and, just let me hear some MoFo tell somebody to treat depression with "light walks and thinking nice thoughts" because depression is bad for the baby. It'd be time to throw down with that person ☠)
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@shunnie just because other people went through something even worse doesn't mean another person's suffering isn't valid you know Also, why does it seem like you hate the FL that much, going as far as saying she's retarded? (Genuine question, not trying to be passive aggressive here.) I really disliked her at the start because it's her responsibility as a mother to not neglect her son and she... blew it, but it's tolerable now bc as @Aurantix said, the present she now has is a result of a long line of thoughtless decisions that may have made sense back in the past but damaged her relationship with the ML and her son. Doesn't make her neglect inexcusable, but it does give us a better perspective on why everything turned our bad for her.
Also, why does it seem like you hate the FL that much, going as far as saying she's retarded? (Genuine question, not trying to be passive aggressive here.) I really disliked her at the start because it's her responsibility as a mother to not neglect her son and she... blew it, but it's tolerable now bc as @Aurantix said, the present she now has is a result of a long line of thoughtless decisions that may have made sense back in the past but damaged her relationship with the ML and her son. Doesn't make her neglect inexcusable, but it does give us a better perspective on why everything turned our bad for her.- Joined
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oh this is quite painful to read. she actually was happy being pregnant at first...and somehow end up feeling depersonalized. will this flashback chapters continue for long? feeling so dreadful but somehow im curious how she end up so lost and without any help despite the hubby seems so loving.
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@lamsar503 gosh after reading the spoilers I feel so bad for Ecrella… problem after problem keeps stacking while nothing gets resolved…
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ah, I see now why she hated being a mother. It was not only because she couldn't go to the parties she used to love, but it's mostly because she's carrying the heir and it made her less of a person. Her worth was just that and she couldn't blame it on anyone else so she blamed it on her son. Does that make her a good person though? No. She's a terrible mother and I feel bad for the heir since he didn't know why his mother hated him so.
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Yeah, she wasn't ready for kids. It's obvious 😂
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@lamsar503
Haven't even read all of it, but
Ah, it's such a complex story, very life-like. This has more realism than some classic novels that get categorised as such 😅
Haven't even read all of it, but
so basically, the only good thing Harsen did in that whole mess, was dragging that living trash of a suitor. He could've avoided traumatising Ercella with it though 😒
Ah, it's such a complex story, very life-like. This has more realism than some classic novels that get categorised as such 😅
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@lamsar503
Thank you for the run down. I’m waiting for the flashback chapters to end before picking up the series again. I had the feeling they would be rough, so I want to read them all in one go rather than wait for the updates. Sounds like they definitely are rough. Based on what you wrote, they seem quite realistic as well. I’m interested in having kids one day, so I’ve read about PPD and some mothers having severely “negative” thoughts towards their children. It is nice to see a manga handle a subject like this as well as indicate how important spousal support is to a mother’s mental health. At least, that is what your spoilers sound like the manga is attempting to shed light on.
Cheers!
Thank you for the run down. I’m waiting for the flashback chapters to end before picking up the series again. I had the feeling they would be rough, so I want to read them all in one go rather than wait for the updates. Sounds like they definitely are rough. Based on what you wrote, they seem quite realistic as well. I’m interested in having kids one day, so I’ve read about PPD and some mothers having severely “negative” thoughts towards their children. It is nice to see a manga handle a subject like this as well as indicate how important spousal support is to a mother’s mental health. At least, that is what your spoilers sound like the manga is attempting to shed light on.
Cheers!
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Thank you so much. I totally understand now. At first I just thought it was because idk she just decided she wasn't ready for children. Now I know it was a lit more than that. I never blamed her unlike other people but now I definitely can't blame her.
Well, if there are people that still only blame Ercella after reading the future chapters that was as @Lamsar503 described, then they would be the retarded one. Retarded, stupid, idiotic, misogynistic, and everything you can think about.
Also yes, what the hell, the doctor already diagnosed Ercella as depressed and still only says that "it's not good for the baby"?! Please go to tartarus and stay there.
Also yes, what the hell, the doctor already diagnosed Ercella as depressed and still only says that "it's not good for the baby"?! Please go to tartarus and stay there.
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