I am hitting 42. I learned I am ADHD and autistic late into 40. I spent the my late teens, entirety of 20, and a lot of my 30s self-deprecating and apologizing for everything because I had internalized a rhetorical I had heard in my childhood and began thinking was true, because I was struggling so hard I wanted to kill myself. Makes a small mistake and mutters to self, "How could you miss that? Are you stupid?" I also apologized so often that I included it as part of my greeting, "Hello, I'm Flynx. I'm sorry." You know. To prime the chamber for when I eventually screwed up for the reasons I had yet to understand.
My parents were kind, loving people, but between letting them down, failing horrifically very often, and being terrified of screwing up for reasons I had yet to grok, I wanted to stop living, but never despaired to the point that I actually pulled the trigger on the suicidal ideation I had thought up excessively descriptive processes for.
I can empathize with Anjou-san tearing herself down because she thought she was not good enough and took the cruel teasing of those around her seriously. The faceless versions of her self doubt spewing the horrible shit at her hit so close to home. This chapter made me root for her and Seto-kun even harder than I thought possible. It also makes me realize how much I really wish I could meet someone as kind and wonderful as Seto-kun, and hopefully be alluring enough to make them want to associate with me.
