@Solistia If you have the time, I have some suggestions to provide.
As it stands, I can't read Japanese. As such, I don't know what the original Japanese text is and thus don't know what the exact translation is supposed to be. However, I feel like there might have been a mistake in the translation on page 7(as well as a very slight typo). When she says "At one point, even the magic they cast could be see
as beautiful as silver-tinted magic flew through the air to protect their own." the overall point seems slightly askew. With the way it's worded, out of context it initially makes it seen like it's supposed to be read as present tense, when it's actually supposed to be read as past tense. Just a slight change to the choice of words would likely fix this, such as "
Before, even the magic they
had cast could be seen as beautiful as silver-tinted magic flew through the air to protect their own." This seems to flow better with the over all monologue and adds emphasis to the fact that it's past tense. Here's the entire train of thought: "Something about our enemies has changed. Before, even the magic they had cast could be seen as beautiful as silver-tinted magic flew through the air to protect their own. They had pressed us to retreat while keeping casualties to a minimum- A noble enemy to contend with. But now...since when has the emperor been like this?"
Ultimately, it's up to you how you translate and I in no way am trying to step on anyone's toes(Not to mention, I could be completely wrong in some way, as well as the fact that I may be the only one that had issue with the sentence in the first place). It's just that I legit got stuck on that sentence and couldn't move on at first because it didn't make quite enough sense for some reason, and only realized what the problem was after I finished reading the entire page. Also, while I replaced the original beginning of the confusing sentence of "At one point..." with "Before..." you could actually just combine the two and it would also work just fine, such as: "At one point before..." This still emphasizes the past tense while also keeping the original words used intact, assuming that is of importance. To be honest, though, in such a case I'd personally go with "At some point before..." instead since to me it seems to flow better for some reason.
In any case, thank you for your efforts and I really look forward to seeing more of this. Keep up the good work!