Chapter 40: The Gear That Began to Go Awry
A Saturday in late September.
The dusky evening sky looked so dark, I could’ve mistaken it for nightfall—it seemed like it might start crying at any moment.
Yami: “Yami-senpai…?”
Yuu: “Nh… mm…”
And me—I looked like I might start crying at any moment too.
It’s been a year since we broke up without even saying goodbye.
A year since I cut off contact without warning.
A year since I dumped him without giving any reason.
Even though I was the one who treated him so horribly, so one-sidedly…
Why is it, why is it that all these intense feelings are bubbling up now?
Why do I find myself wanting to run to him and throw myself into his arms?
Yuu: “What? Why? Isn’t this… Hikari’s classroom…?”
Yami: “…”
But—
The moment that name, Hikari, came up…
My face twisted into a full-blown, sarcastic grin.
Yami: “…It’s been a while, Taa-kun…?”
Yuu: “Huh…?”
Teasing that openly confused look on Yuu’s face—
And as if trying to swallow the words:
Yami: "That’s your first reaction to seeing me again after all this time?!"
……
……
Yuu: “I can’t believe Yami-senpai was the ‘Aya-chan’ Hikari always talks about…”
Yami: “Hikari-chan’s always in your care~! Tehe♪”
Yuu: “Cut it out already…”
Yami: “…Sorry.”
We both calmed down a little—just a little.
But still couldn’t bring ourselves to care about the shards of the cup scattered across the floor.
Yuu: “You didn’t tell Hikari? About us?”
Yami: “Helloo? I only just found out myself, okay?”
(TL note: LIAAAR!)
Right there in the middle of the classroom,
Neither of us could take our eyes off each other’s face.
Yami: “I never imagined that the so-called ‘lady-killer Taa-kun’ I heard about was actually just plain ol’ Yuu the wimp.”
Yuu: “What’s this nonsense...”
Did he grow taller again?
But his face hasn’t changed much.
There’s still a trace of innocence in it.
Yuu: “So you’re back in school, huh, Yami-senpai.”
Yuu: “…That’s good.”
Yami: “Good? Please. Somehow I ended up in the same grade as you.”
Yuu: “Still, you moved up to second year, right? You’re going to class and everything?”
Yami: “…More or less.”
That’s because of your childhood friend, you know.
The moment I skip class, she messages me.
If I flunk a test, she forces me to study.
That nosy, annoying girl who’s just like you—
My best friend.
Thanks to her.
Yuu: “I was seriously worried, you know. When you suddenly stopped contacting me a year ago…”
Yami: “Well, I got bored. Of you, Yuu.”
Yuu: “…I… I see…”
Yami: “Exactly. So drop it already.”
Yuu: “Y-yeah. Got it. Sorry.”
Yami: “…”
Don’t believe that so easily, you idiot.
Don’t act all hurt on your own, you idiot.
Is that really what you think I’m like?
Or are you just trying to believe what’s easiest to accept?
Yuu: “S-speaking of which… if you’re back in school, then your parents…”
Yami: “Ahh, if you mean my dad, that’s all been dealt with… That side of things is fine now.”
Yuu: “I see… that’s good.”
Good? No, it’s not.
Pick up on the nuance, for once.
My mom’s issues are still completely unresolved.
Why is it that Yuu always lets go of my hand at the most important moments? Idiot.
Yami: “So, what about you? How have you been lately?”
Yuu: “Me? Nothing much has changed.”
Yami: “Well, your girlfriend has.”
Yuu: “We’re not exactly dating yet…”
Yami: “Yet, huh…”
Yuu: “N-no, uh… Let’s just drop this topic too, okay?”
Why?
Why can’t I ask, Yuu?
Do you seriously think I don’t care anymore?
Do you really expect me to smile and say,
‘I’m rooting for you and Hikari, as your friend~’?
…What the hell, me.
My head’s a mess, bouncing all over the place.
This is my first time talking to Yuu in a year, and my words and thoughts are completely out of sync.
Do I want to lash out at him?
Do I want to talk about Hikari?
Do I want to reminisce about me and Yuu?
Do I want to interrogate him about Hikari and Yuu?
Besides, Yuu hasn’t done anything wrong.
I know that better than anyone.
He’s kind, sort of cute, a little too easy to sway…
But that time, I was the one who nudged him in that direction.
So I can’t. I can’t go any further than this.
I can’t tie him down.
Not to this place.
Not to me.
Yami: “You’re meeting up with Hikari, right?”
Yuu: “Ah…”
Yuu looked quickly at his phone, face twisting in a wince.
He must’ve seen a call from Hikari.
Yami: “Go on, Yuu.”
Yuu: “But…”
Yami: “What, you’re gonna break your promise to your girlfriend?”
Yuu hesitated for a moment, showing a trace of indecision.
But in the end, he reached the “obvious” conclusion and gave me a regretful look.
Yuu: “W-we’ll see each other again, right?”
Yami: “…Who knows.”
Yuu: “R-right, uh… your new contact info—”
Yami: “No way I’m giving that to a guy I dumped.”
Yuu: “O-oh… right…”
Yami: “Besides, if you’re still thinking about me even now, that’d be unfair to Hikari.”
Yuu: “That’s not…”
Yeah. That regretful look.
And that disappointed look.
The usual wimpy Yuu expression.
Yuu: “I still think about you all the time, Yami-senpai. Of course I do.”
But—
But the moment he said that,
Just for that one moment—he had the face of a real guy.
The face Yuu had when I was head over heels for him.
Yami: “Go.”
Yuu: “…Yeah.”
That’s why I hurried Yuu along.
Because I didn’t want him to see.
To see my lingering feelings.
Yuu: “Okay then, Yami-senpai, see you—”
Yami: “...!”
How could he—
Even though I’m in such a rush.
Yuu slowly turned to me with a smile once more.
And yet, and yet...
He turned his back to me and started walking away.
One step, two steps...
Yuu was moving away from me.
Leaving me forever.
Yami: “...What, are you trying to turn this into a memory or something, Yuu?”
Yuu: “Huh...?”
What the hell am I saying?
I’m the one who told him to leave.
I’m the one who said, make it a memory.
Yami: “You ignored me for an entire year... And now what? You want to part ways cleanly, like it’s some beautiful, bittersweet goodbye?”
Yuu: “Yami... senpai?”
What am I doing... What am I doing...
This is such a messed up grudge I’m throwing at him.
Yami: “You could’ve found me, Yuu... You knew I was going to the same school as Hikari, didn’t you?”
This is completely my fault—only mine.
Yami: “Even if I blocked your calls, it wouldn’t have been hard to find me.”
No doubt about it. I’m the one who was in the wrong. I’m the one being ugly.
Yami: “And yet... and yet... You never even tried to find me...!”
Anyone listening would think this was absurd, totally irrational.
Yami: “I’ve been going to school since last September, you know?”
Of course he wouldn’t have known that.
He wasn’t responsible for any of it.
Yami: “If you’d skipped school just once... If you’d waited in front of the station in the morning... If you’d found me and called out to me...”
That kind of thing—there’s no way you could’ve done it. It’s not realistic.
Yami: “And even if you had, I would’ve run away for sure. Even if you caught me, I would’ve pushed you away.”
In fact, if you had done all that, it’d be stalker behavior. Anyone would be creeped out.
Yami: “But still—if you had kept trying, if you had chased me down again and again—!”
But I’m not normal.
There’s something wrong with me.
That’s what I wanted you to do.
And I hated that you didn’t.
Yami: “If you had, then in the very end, I would’ve dropped everything, let go of it all, and run straight into your arms!”
Yuu: “...!”
My raised hand struck Yuu’s cheek with a dry smack.
He had come back—
Even though he had walked away, he was now right in front of me again.
Because he’d returned to be blamed, to be yelled at.
Yuu: “Yami-senpai, I—”
Yami: “Shut up! Don’t act like you know anything, Yuu!”
...
...
See? I knew it.
Kissing just tastes like spit.
...No—it just tastes like him.
Ugh... That’s why I was hiding.
Ever since he came to our school—into my classroom—I kept sneaking out.
So why, why... did I come back?
Why did you find me again, Yuu...?
The ringing in my ears scrambled my thoughts.
No—this wasn’t just ringing.
Thick raindrops had begun wetting the windows of the classroom.
Ayami Sudou, 18 years old...
Somehow, my ex ended up being my best friend’s crush.
...
...
Yami: “Come to think of it, you didn’t say it last year... did you?”
Yuu was crying.
And so was I.
Yami: “Goodbye, Yuu.”
Yuu: “There’s a limit to how cowardly you can be, you know...!”
But Hikari... wouldn’t understand.
She was hiding behind the door, and couldn’t see our faces.