critique: First, thanks for picking up the translating duties.
FWIW, translations should not be "word for word" as some of the first pages were confusing. Lost track of the story on the last panel of Page 1 ("You went of the line.") Not sure what that even means. I suspect it meant "You went OVER the line." Sentence structure is also important, which comes to type setting.
Type setting: Times New Roman is a good font for documents like text based books, legal documents, newspapers, etc. It's not that great for comic books, cartoons, and manga. Originally, I used Comic Sans for typesetting translations, but was shown Anime Ace 2.0 looks better. Also word layout really is important. You can easily keep the text within the speech bubbles two ways. Most typesetters will split the word wherever they choose, like page 6 "This still isn't my limit but it evaporated." Some typesetters would have put the d in evaporated on the next line, but for a better look it could have been split to display
This keeps the display looking cleaner. While most scanlators don't do this, if it looks like the text is going to be too big for the speech bubble, I have never felt bad about increasing the size of the text bubble.
Still, you did well on your first try. Keep working at it and you'll get better!