Yuu’s Chapter – Chapter 4: No More Love...
A few days after that “fateful day.”
The high school entrance exam results—or rather, the failure announcement day.
…And then, one more dawn later.
Yuu: “Uh, um… Yami-senpai…”
Yami: “What? Already back on your feet? That’s youth for you, Yuu~”
Yuu: “That’s not what I mean… And hey, I’m only a year younger than you.”
Me and her… Yami-senpai—unbelievably—became that kind of relationship on just our second meeting.
From early morning, wrapped in each other’s arms in a hotel bed.
Spending an unbelievably intense time together.
For me, it was one shocking experience after another—like my whole world had been turned upside down.
Yami: “Hmm? For someone saying that, something’s been poking my butt for a while now. And it’s hard.”
Yuu: “Wha—?!”
Yami: “Idiot, don’t panic over that. That’s exactly the kind of thing that makes you seem like a virgin.”
Yuu: “I’m not a virgin anymore…”
Yami: “Right, ‘cause I took it from you.”
Yuu: “…Yeah.”
Yami: “Heh.”
Right in front of me was her pale, slender back.
Even when I held her shoulders, she didn’t show the slightest hint of annoyance.
On the contrary, when I kissed her shoulder and buried my face in the nape of her neck, she only let out a ticklish little laugh.
In that moment… no, in every memory since then—
Yami-senpai always had such a wonderful scent.
For someone like me, who could never get close enough to another girl—Hikari—to even notice her scent, it was the first time I’d ever experienced the fragrance of a woman.
…Well, with her, I had countless other “firsts” too.
But even now, more than her face, more than her voice, maybe what I remember most is that scent.
Yuu: “So, um… what I wanted to ask was…”
Yami: “What?”
Yuu: “This isn’t… just a whim, right?”
Yami: “……”
Yuu: “Like… once we’ve gotten over this, you’re not just gonna…”
Yami: “Don’t worry. Whenever you’re in the mood, I’ll let you do it again~”
Yuu: “That’s not what I mean, not in some casual way like that…”
She comforted me with her whole body after I lost what was basically my first gamble in life.
And she let out her own sadness and pent-up feelings, too.
Yami: “Yeah… I’ll keep being your convenient woman, always.”
We were both people who’d been hurt…
No, putting my pain on the same level as hers would be disrespectful to her.
Yami: “So… let’s exchange IDs, Yuu…”
Even so, back then, I truly believed we connected.
Not just in body, but in heart as well.
…Or so I thought, anyway.
…………
…………
Yuu: “The fireworks festival’s tomorrow, how’s your schedule?”
Yuu: “Yami-senpai, where are you right now?”
Yuu: “Is something wrong? Did I do something?”
My LINE message history with her ends right there.
And she didn’t even read my last message.
That’s how, after about half a year, my connection with Yami-senpai was suddenly severed.
I really thought—this time—it was love that had come true.
I thought, for the first time, my feelings had been returned.
I still have no idea what I did to touch Yami-senpai’s nerve.
And at this point, finding out what circumstances or changes of heart she might have had would be nearly impossible.
Of course, it’s not like I just passively accepted being dumped one-sidedly.
After summer break ended, I went several times to the train station nearest her school—Hikari’s school, too—but I never saw her.
Once, I even spotted Hikari and hid in a panic, but in the end, I never caught sight of that distinctive braided hair—or of the short-haired figure she must have become.
From autumn through winter, after we lost contact, I kept turning it over in my mind.
Day after day, I replayed every single word I’d ever said to her.
I dragged up every word, every reaction, every expression she’d ever shown me, from the depths of my memory.
And that only made the sadness and longing worse.
Because, in my memories, Yami-senpai had always been into it.
She had always responded to me.
When we talked, she’d smile at me.
When she teased me, she’d smile even more.
In bed, she’d show me that bittersweet look.
Gradually, she’d started to react to my clumsy moves.
There were even times she’d arch her back and climax.
Was all of that… just my misunderstanding?
Are they telling me it was all just her “skilled” acting?
But for what purpose…?
I just couldn’t figure it out.
So when winter passed and spring came,
I decided to forget everything.
Because the more I remembered, the more it just hurt.
She had already quit school.
We had no remaining points of contact—there was no way to meet her again.
I forced myself to believe that every trace of our connection had disappeared.
Because… I’d had enough.
I decided to stop liking people—stop liking girls.
Just because you have feelings for someone doesn’t mean they’ll be returned.
In fact, the odds are close to impossible.
If you’re good at building relationships, maybe a single failure wouldn’t even faze you.
If you can move on without dwelling, maybe you can just keep falling in love again and again.
But I’m not like that.
I probably don’t even know what it’s like to be rewarded.
And in the worst way possible, I’m the kind of person who can’t forget.
Neither Hikari nor Yami-senpai—
I still haven’t been able to turn either into a fond memory.
I’ve never once been able to think, “I’m glad I fell in love. Even if I was rejected, I can let go.”
I just keep dragging it out, regretting it, getting disgusted with my own weakness, hating myself for it.
So I won’t chase anymore.
I won’t cling.
Not “giving up”—forgetting.
I’ll lighten my heart, thin out my relationships, and just live.
After three brutal heartbreaks, you can’t help but learn that lesson.
Come to think of it, there was an old song titled “I Won’t Fall in Love Again.”
I’ve never actually heard it, but I’ll live by that feeling.
I’ll go through my days without letting anything shake my heart—
without feeling… no, without allowing myself to feel.
…………
…………
But you know, there’s actually more to that phrase…
After “I won’t fall in love again,”
it’s followed by,
“is something I’ll never say.”
I didn’t learn that until after the new year, when spring had come…
Hikari: “Oh, Ta~kun, welcome back.”
Yuu: “Hikari… if you’re here, turn the light on.”
Hikari: “Mmm… what time is it?”
Yuu: “Four-thirty. More importantly, I’m about to get changed…”
Hikari: “Oh, don’t mind me~”
Yuu: “I do mind… whatever, just don’t peek, okay?”
Hikari: “What’s the point now? If I were gonna peek, I’d have been doing it since middle school.”
It was around the time when, for some reason, the distance between me and Hikari began to close again—
for the third time.
Maruto’s post on X:
Yeah… I don’t really think it took on a more mature tone. And I don’t think Yuu’s relationship with Yami actually made him mature.
Insight:
The biggest thing about this chapter is that Yuu actually went looking for Yami after she ghosted him. Also, calling his heartbreaks “three brutal heartbreaks” feels a bit exaggerated, at least when you consider the first two with Hikari. But I get it; that is how a young guy might see things, so it does not really bother me. Still, yeah, this definitely is not doing Yuu’s image any favors.
