I've been thinking this for a while, but with this chapter (which I loved) I feel it much more strongly: the story this reminds me of the most os Shuninta Amano's
The Feelings We All Must Endure. This chapter in particular feels like the penultimate chapter of that work, and the feelings it evokes in me are very similar: empathy, warmth, frustration, and lowkey devastation and a little despair. Fuyuki is the only gold-star lesbian in this story and she is
gay gay for Eri, and she has left herself utterly exposed and vulnerable. I have been in a place similar to her (and the protagonist of
Feelings), and it is a horrible place to be.
I think
@UdenEmpati has made most of the points that I would want to make about this, but one thing I want to emphasize is that Fuyuki's conviction that it could never work out with Eri has led resulted in her having an iron will to hide a huge part of herself from Eri (and pretty much
only Eri, as shown in the first chapter when her classmate says, "oh you know, it's the usual thing" when Fuyuki dashes off to help Eri with her printer troubles). The most encouraging thing that Eri says in their conversation is that they need to actually talk to each other about their feelings. Even with this iron wall between the two of them (maintained
by Fuyuki), Eri and Fuyuki have remained the most important people in each others' lives this whole time; I feel like removing that barrier and actually giving Eri a chance to know all of Fuyuki, instead of the façade that Fuyuki has been projecting this whole time, is the most likely path to them having a successful, healthy relationship (be that romantic or otherwise).
I'm making some assumptions about the shape of this story based on Shinoa's other work and based on the place she chose to start its telling, but I'm pretty confident that I'll be satisfied with however this eventually resolves.
The Feelings We All Must Endure is undercut a little by its conceit (of personifying the seven deadly sins as a set of Japanese college students), but it has a similar level of emotional verisimilitude, which is why it remains one of my favorites despite it being such a painful read. This work doesn't have that constraint, but does have similar sensitivity and depth to the way it observes character, and I'm not expecting it to have a resolution that neatly ties everything in a bow. What I do expect is that these characters will continue to be themselves and to continue to do things that feel sensitively observed and messy in a grounded way. Every so often I see people calling this "toxic yuri", and while it is a story about very messy feelings, it doesn't feel like melodrama to me. In some ways it kind of reminds me of Sally Rooney (I should say here: I really like Sally Rooney! Even though sometimes I feel like I shouldn't).
…maybe the wedding at the beginning is senpai getting married to her stepfather. Just a thought!
I think the key point in this chapter is that Eri is finally on the same page as Fuyuki, and the through-line with the entire story up to this point, is that she never once was, because Fuyuki was terrified of the prospect of losing Eri completely if Eri ever found out Fuyuki was romantically in love with her.
And so Fuyuki put on a mask, and put up walls, and resolved to simply endure the pain of only being best friends with Eri, because that pain was better than losing the love of her life entirely should Fuyuki confess and be rejected. It was a sound idea in theory, from her perspective; just one that was sadly destined for failure.
Eri cannot know what she does not know. Fuyuki hid the most important part of herself from the closest person to her out of understandable terror, but in a way, her reticence is what would have actually brought about the doom she expresses fear over, in this very chapter.
And Eri cuts right through that, saying that they can't walk back what was said or what was done, but they
can move forward with honesty and with communication between them. Eri is now seeing Fuyuki in her fullness, and she begs Fuyuki to love her the way she always has, so that Eri can see it,
really see it and know it, and in doing so, can respond and reciprocate and grow into Fuyuki's life more and more.
Eri has never once said she doesn't want to love Fuyuki. She loves Fuyuki, and wants to love her in ways that I can honestly say make my chest hurt, out of jealousy for the immensity of those feelings she has. She knows it won't be simple, that there's every chance this could end badly for them, but she's a selfish person and wants all of that which she desires.
And she desires to have Fuyuki in every capacity that she can, and more - and she wants Fuyuki to be selfish and cruel in her own reciprocation, to demand more of Eri and tell her what she wants, when she wants it, and to push that honesty in its fullness so that Eri fully understands her in those moments.
That to me, is Eri taking accountability for her own shortcomings in the realm of emotional awareness, and I think that's huge of her.
I used to think Eri was "the villain" of this story, because I was solely focused on Fuyuki's perspective of the narrative. But I couldn't have been more wrong, and not just because this is a story without heroes or bad guys - but because she wasn't even the bad guy to Fuyuki.
For all the pain Fuyuki felt, it was the result of her fear of an unknown, and Eri is making it clear in no uncertain terms here and now, that Fuyuki tell her when she's worried, what she wants, when she's happy, what she hates, and all the other little facets that make up Fuyuki as a complete person.
Eri is selfish and wants it all, because that's how they make this work - by giving their all to each other and hiding nothing. Eri can't develop this on her own, and she needs Fuyuki to help her, by telling her and not running away out of vague fears of failure.
Yes, this might not work out between them, but that sort of "maybe" isn't good enough, and Eri's not going to let Fuyuki go over a "what if", when they have the capacity for honesty and openness, and the sheer amount of feeling for the other. It would take work to make this succeed for them, and Eri's saying that Fuyuki is worth that work, and that potential pain. And if they do succeed?
Well.
They're finally both facing one another, for the first time, and know what is in the other's heart. The next part will be hard, but the way through is honestly quite simple:
"Keep telling me you love me, again and again" - because that way, Eri looks at Fuyuki more and more, and sees more and more, and learns more and more, and loves more and more.
