p.5
the elf guy's speech is a little... weird? "I, too, have some bad behaviors" -> "I, too, have some bad habits" I think? Regardless, all of his dialogue in that panel feels off
"at least I and Carla-san" -> "at least Carla-san and I"
p.6
"You are the Saint, even if a fake one" -> "Even if you're a/the fake Saint"
p.8
"I'm sorry. If only I don't harbor this feeling" -> "I'm sorry. If only I didn't harbor these feelings"
p.10
"You're fine like that" -> "you're fine just the way you are"
"Tell your feelings to Leon properly" (or -> "Tell Leon how you feel properly")
p.11
"Even so, tell him your feelings one more time" or -> "tell him how you feel one more time"
It's funny because it's so inconsistent
On the same page, "I'll also tell him my feelings" is properly pluralized, yet all those previous instances aren't lol
On that note, "I'll also tell him my feelings" is fine but "I'll also tell him how I feel" might work better
p.13
"but from their expression, their heart aren't in this place -> "but from their expressions, their hearts aren't in it"
Gotta stick with a consistent verb tense
p.14
"I'm considering seriously about love" is... technically fine, but "anguishing" or "agonizing" works better than "considering" here
"I'm (seriously) anguishing about love too!" or "I'm (seriously) agonizing about love too!" ("seriously" isn't really necessary, but if you want to keep it for emphasis, it works better when placed before the verb)
"What can defeat the gigantic monster that even Luxion cannot defeat is love" -> "The one thing that can defeat the gigantic monster, that even Luxion can't defeat, is love"
"that can be replacement for these guys" -> "that can be a replacement for these guys" or "that can replace these guys"
p.15
"The Principality despicably bring monster and invade our kingdom's territory" -> "despicably brought a monster into and invaded our Kingdom's territory"
"Now is the time to risk our life" -> "now is the time to risk our lives" or, even more 'royal', so to speak: "now is the time to lay down our lives"
p.16
"In this critical juncture" -> "At this critical juncture"
p.19
"You all are the one who fabricate the accusation" -> "you all/you lot are the ones who fabricated the/those accusations"
p.20
"If the circumstance is like this" -> "under these circumstances" or "if it's like this"
p.22
"Having connection to the Principality behind the scene" -> "Having a connection to the Principality behind the scenes" or "Having connections to the Principality behind the scenes"
"why are we the traitors"
p.26
"don't let that guy, Bartfort to do as he pleases" -> "Don't let that brat, Bartfort, do as he pleases"
(Dude's a conniving, elitist dumbass, he'd probably call Bartfort a brat, or a kid, or something else condescending, not just "that guy" imo)
"that guy is also as dangerous or perhaps even more than that" -> "is just as dangerous... or perhaps even more so"
p.27
If this was all the proof that I have, then even his majesty and the queen wouldn't take action" -> "If this was all the proof I had, then their majesties wouldn't be taking action"
"They allowed this to happen means that's just how unshakeable the proof that's in my possession" -> "That they allowed this to happen means that that's just how unshakeable the proof that's in my possession is"
Or if that's too long, "Them allowing this to happen means that's just how unshakeable the proof I have is"
Or even shorter, "They allowed this to happen - that just shows how unshakeable my proof is"
p.29
"Now then, do you understand now?" -> unnecessary redundancy, "Now then, do you understand?" or "Do you understand now?" or even "Understand?" all work better in this context
"The Kingdom is in danger because of your fault" -> "The Kingdom is in danger because of you" or "The Kingdom being in danger is your fault"
p.30
"You're judged as a danger because you're just a kid of that level" doesn't really make that much sense
Taking into account the context, it should be something closer to -> "You're considered dangerous because you're just a kid, yet you have that much/so much power" or "You're considered dangerous because you're just a kid with too much power"
"And it's you who caused this country to get destroyed by the Principality before it get destroyed by me"
-> "And it's you who will cause this country to be destroyed (by the Principality) before I get to do it" to change the tense, or
-> And it's you who caused this country to get destroyed (by the Principality) before it got destroyed by me" if you want to keep the cadence you used when translating
By the Principality can be omitted but keeping it in still works
There's a lot of ways that could be worded tbh lol
p.31
"a brat who doesn't understand politic" -> "politics" or "who doesn't understand realpolitik" (very similar error on page 33)
"do you understand just how much I've been devoting my effort for the sake of the country" -> y'all combined like 3 different sentences for this one lol
"do you understand just how much I've devoted/been devoting to this country"
"do you understand just how much effort I've devoted/been devoting to this country"
"do you understand just how much I've devoted/been devoting for the sake of the country"
p.32
"you guys push the Kingdom into danger" -> "pushed the Kingdom into danger"
p.36
"just what in the world they were doing" -> just what in the world were they doing"
"such thing often happened even in the country of my previous life" -> "such things often happened in my previous life"; it's not necessary to put "the country" here, as Japan is mentioned in the next sentence