Oversimplified SCP - Ch. 5 - SCP-504

[MangaDex]

 

[Cyoteblack]

Well, then.

 

[RedInACup]

Then don't make shitty jokes. Problem solved.

 

[Phuocphuc46]

Thank god these don't exist, or else I'd die

 

[PotatoZero]

@Phuocphuc46, thank the SCP Foundation, you dolt

 

[Jergens]

heres a rip from the test logs for those too lazy to go to the wiki

Spoiler

"Log of tests with SCP-504:

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: D-504-1
Spoken: "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamous?"
Result: No change in velocity.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: D-504-1
Spoken: "What's an archeologist? Someone whose career is in ruins."
Result: Tomato clocked at 124 mph. Subject suffered a broken nose.

Notes: It appears that SCP-504 has a certain "taste" in jokes. This might indicate sapience. I hope not. - Dr. Blast

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: D-504-2
Spoken: "Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him… and says, Catch up."
Result: Tomato clocked at 264 mph. Subject rendered unconscious.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: D-504-3
Spoken: "So, I was going to bed, and my brother told me, 'Goodnight! Don't let the bedbugs stick their proboscis in your skin and suck your blood!'" *pause* "Good luck on a healthy dermis!"
Result: Two-second pause before activity. Tomato clocked at [REDACTED]. Sound barrier broken. Subject killed.

Item: Three mature SCP-504 tomatoes, each from a different crossbreed
Subject: D-504-4
Spoken: "If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity."
Result: All three tomatoes clocked at exactly 145 mph. Subject injured, two teeth dislodged.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato, split into quarters
Subject: D-504-5
Spoken: "I tried to walk into Target, but I missed."
Result: All 4 pieces clocked at 212 mph. Subject severely injured, right eye destroyed by piece of tomato.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: CD player playing "Harmful If Swallowed" (2003, Dane Cook)
Result: At [REDACTED], tomato clocked 167 mph. CD player destroyed.

Notes: It works with recordings? Dammit. Didn't even have to deal with Class-Ds in the first place. - Dr. Blast

Item: Three mature SCP-504 tomatoes, one for each test subject.
Subject: After the introduction to the following news item, Bomb blows hole in Lenin statue, the three following jokes were made.

Test Subject 1: Ooh, that's gonna leave a Marx.
Result: Tomato number one 'twitched', but did not displace from its original location.

Test Subject 2: BBC is just Stalin the good news.
Result: Tomato clocked at 152 mph. Chipped tooth and hairline jaw fracture.

Test Subject 3: That blows.
Result: Tomato clocked at [REDACTED]. Subject is hospitalized with a massive skull fracture.

Notes: I thought we'd just established that recordings work in place of live subjects! I know how much you guys hate the Class-Ds, especially D-504-012 (poor guy might not even recover before termination rolls around), but I'm making it clear that whoever oversaw this round of testing is getting a serious reprimand. The same goes for whoever leaked its video logs to the staff. - Dr. Blast

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: Television playing the SNL Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit.
Result: Tomato reacted as if 'confused': slow-motion video shows three separate bursts of speeds in excess of 200mph, two incidences of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in the one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesises that the tomato was unsure whether or not to 'take it seriously'.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: A portable computer playing a pre-recorded engineering joke.
Transcript: "2009 is going to be a complex year. We already know the real part; we still have to find the imaginary part".
Result: Supersonic blast detected; computer was completely vaporized by the tomato's kinetic energy. Sensor readings indicate an approximate speed of 3500 km/h (2174 mph).

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: A portable computer playing a partial audio recording of the Monty Python sketch "The Funniest Joke in the World".
Transcript: "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
Result: Tomato explodes. Debris clocked at 137 mph. Computer heavily coated by debris. Keyboard ruined by exposure to liquid matter - all other components proved functional after cleanup.

Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: A portable computer playing the text of SCP-904
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]"

 

[Harvester]

Evidently those tomatoes are smarter than I am, because it's been longer than two seconds and I still don't get the censored one. (The one that kills D-504-3.)

 

[Ganteng097]

No puny pun allowed ayy -slap

 

[Goretantath]

@Harvester i think its like a comedy sketch they're performing in-front of it, they show a video of the statue getting blown up and then have the 3 class-d's make remarks about it.

 

[Harvester]

@Goretantath I don't think it's quite that simple; in the original SCP logs, it takes a beat for the tomatoes to get the joke as well, before it rockets off killing the single D-class telling the joke. On the other hand, Simplified SCP marks that one as an NSFW joke... so either they have no idea what it meant either so they just blanked it (or maybe for space reasons), it actually IS NSFW and people are just missing it.

 

[MonsieurWeeb]

@Jergens ahhh thanks for the wiki redacted information 'Gold marine'.

 

[DANDAN_THE_DANDAN]

Oh wow, I missed this gold. But I can't help feel like the author was just frustrated that everyone hated his bad jokes and had to vent it out somewhere and made this SCP as an excuse

 

[Angie7]

@Harvester : I've had to think over it for a while, but I believe it's a sexual joke (as indicated in the manga's "NSFW"). First, "Don't let the bedbugs stick their proboscis in your skin" is probably a very loose reference to sex, and second "healthy dermis" = healthy skin = there's an urban legend sex is good for your skin, makes you look healthier.

I don't blame the tomato. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[Benjiro]

That test log with the Monty Python sketch... I couldn't stop laughing for 5 minutes! I had a blast! 🤣

 

[realsmart987]

This is my favorite chapter so far. I like puns.

 

[Pooky2011]

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Who Hate Shitty Jokes

 

[Jakaiden021]

Imagine having one of these next to hardcore Undertale fans.

 

[Wilhelm_Stenvall]

Isn't this a joke SCP?

 

[HunLepto]

@Jakaiden021 I wish...

 

[Kigol]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Tomato rots away