Hmm, so you translate "shounen" but not "onee-san" ? Which in this case is basically "miss" or "big sis" depending on context (public or private talk, I guess).
Overall the translation is smoother for sure, but I feel both translations are being awkward with their way.
This one feels more like sticking to English words as much as possible but still translate cultural values like making a bento rather than cooking for someone (as seen in Squiggles), but not all of them (Shounen for instance, yet Onee-san is kept). Squiggles share the same awkwardness as they seem to care more about keeping the mood of the original, but in the end also translates some things too much in English (first example, cooking, as mentioned already by someone else and here again), losing part of what they strive for (or what it looks like they strive for).
Overall, this one is smoother, definitely. But you both share that same awkwardness, translating things (or choosing not to) that don't make sense, either go at it full way and translate everything into absolute English or keep using the Japanese words that make sense for the situation, the ones that loses their Japanese culture/setting meaning when translated into English words.
I'd rather hope the second choice's picked up. And just like Dijon, damn, it hurts to see her call him "kiddo" instead of "shounen" (even though the translation is completely valid).