I'M BACK! Not in a happy go lucky mood either sadly... So... What was it, 1 year, 2 years ago? I got this computer I'm writing on this forum with. It is the best computer i have ever owned. I used to have this alienware laptop, missing a fan, rattled like a helicopter, and couldn't play anything else but WOW Classic toward the end.
This of course, was... Well, I have a youtube channel, a very small one. Me and my bros started it 6 years ago, but... they sort of left 3 years ago, and it's just been me. I've always approached it as a storage place, didn't really care for views, because back then I hardly got any. But, it started to pick up lightly the last year, 10 views, a hundred, here and there, in waves, the usual ebb and flow of the algorithm. I danced between 1,078-1,080 for all that time...
I've been making videos, rendering, editing all by myself. But, i know why that laptop broke down. And I'm looking at the best PC I've ever had, a Desktop with... EVERYTHING I could've asked for... And now...
Okay, onto the Desktop, this is the second time, the CPU Overheated and it wouldn't turn back on. So I waited... I know this is dangerous, if it keeps overheating like this, no matter what the thermal paste does, it'll cause far more damage... And i've been riding this computer harder than normal. I've been feeling good, rendering more, uploading more, recording more... But, that means more strain.
Knowing little old me, the weird, awkward, introverted thing that I am, I haven't asked for much in life. I literally got this computer because my family knew I had been stuck with a dying laptop for years while they got better. A family member even broke a computer in anger once, while I still had the dying laptop. I just... Don't like to impede, even though sometimes I should. Furthermore, I see, way more than they think. So I know, I can't just get the Tesla of Computers.
So as I was sitting there for a half-hour, praying to God for my computer to turn back on so I could at least get my writing documents. I realized I have two choices. Keep making videos for a dead channel and Kill the greatest material gift I have ever received? Or... Stop... Stop making videos, realize youtube isn't... my place... Focus on writing...
You see, I'm not very good with giving up, or abandoning anything. I've been taught all my life to hold on, keep trying. And this year began... With one of the best weeks in years. I wrote... AMAZINGLY! I know it was... simple stuff sort of, but it felt so good, getting so much done, and it being good to me, me feeling the emotions everything. But, the thing was... I was away from Youtube... Gaming... The happiest I've been in a long time... was not with this thing me and my bros started together...
I've held onto this channel, because me and my brothers promised to do it together. I suppose I've always felt that if... I keep going, I don't know... We never gave up... I've always hoped some... boost in views would come, and IDK, people would start enjoying soulless no commentary videos. That there'd be some worth. That, this dream us three had... would... amount to something.
I know they've moved on, they're happier, one's pursuing esports, has his own channel, the other enjoys his work... I know I enjoy my writing. But... The fact that the channel is... now killing what I enjoy, even though I enjoy it... I can lie up to my ears saying I just did it as a storage place, but when I see 100, 170 views on a video, my face lights up and I feel better, I write better... Even if there isn't a comment. And usually there's never a comment at all. It's made me happy, it's something... Precious... I know they're just passersby but, it feels good, because it means that, sticking it through all this time meant something for a moment of someone's time.
But, the Ebb... The Flow... Trust me, I cried so long and hard in silence for half an hour I was aching all over because I didn't know what to do. One side of me, sees what the channel does to me, knows that I was happy for a week, not even glaring at it. The other keeps saying "Maybe tomorrow, Maybe tomorrow, Maybe tomorrow! Don't give up, you don't give up!"
I know I have the easiest life in the world, many have completely and clearly emphasized that, and even shot down and laughed at my tiny qualms. I know I can't be perfect, I know I might just have to choose one or the other... But, everyone makes it sound easy, I know that's over-said but, it's true.
Each video may be simple, without a word, but it's... Like a my writing... I love it... it's a piece of my life, this channel is a quarter of my life.
I know we'll just throw on some Thermal Paste and call it that but... The tunnel of sorts is getting narrower, I can't make better things on youtube anymore, and If I wanted to... I know "You'll have to make sacrifices, but it's worth it, if you think it is, because if you think it is, nothing can stop you." I know, and I loved hearing that today from a certain video...
But, this sacrifice is... like a CHILD to me...
It feels like... Like a couple years ago, ten actually, we had three dogs, I loved them so much... But, it was... the hardest point of our lives. We had to go to pantries, it was winter, the power would go out sometimes. We couldn't keep them.... So... my parents had to...... you know, take them to the pound or something, I never knew... Because... It was getting to the point we couldn't afford their food and our own... I remember waking up the next day and they being gone... the hallway, under the bed, on the bed. Empty, without their sounds... I remember one, we had when he was a baby, I was up late at night with him, bottle feeding him and... I would've given them my food...
I know these are videos, which have never really made a mark, it's a channel which thrived on minecraft vids and streams one of my brothers made... I know that's why he left because, my vids quantity hurt his quality... But, the thing is... Unlike those three dogs, who went someplace where they have food, and have big yards, good toys... The Channel will just... Die... There will be nothing gained from all that time. No matter how much I loved it, nothing... Even my writing was deeper...
I know "Just leave it", but I sorta see it like in those stupid cartoons, some small thing in a box, in some alley, rainfalling, and it holding up some cup.... I know, cheesy, but... There is no out of that alley. And i'm stuck up top a roof looking down at that box, and I can't go down, and it can't climb, because it was on my back all these years... And...
I know we can't be perfect, I know we have to make sacrifices. EVERYONE SAYS IT SO EASILY, EVEN IF THEY DON'T Mean it so... They shouldn't say it like it's something simple... They shouldn't force that thought, they shouldn't... I know... "What? You want lies?" "You want to be told it could make it when it hasn't DONE ANYTHING But, cost you time and money and life?" I know all that but... THIS is... NOT AS EASY AS YOU THINK... Yeah, I know I'm spoiled, I know I take "ADVANTAGE" Of things, I know I like...
I like to be hopeful... There's always a way in my head... If I keep believing... But, if I forsake this, that breaks, but if I don't... everything breaks...
I know there's no easy answer, my family doesn't have the money, and no one will miss what I have... I just... Want to hug it... I know "It's a channel, it's games that aren't even yours."I know! But, it was all... Special to me... Those memories, those moments... I want to hold it close, and tell it "It made a difference in my life" because it did. Because it made me happy... Because, it captured those moments where, I would... be away from pain... from... everything... and just... be a child and play... I know I have my writing for that, but even when I had to stop playing when I was... 14 (I know, childish was I) because... We weren't playing even then I had writing, and even then that was... Painful...
It doesn't feel good... And I know everyone says "Move on"... But, this was a baby of mine, and... I wanted to carry it forever... even if it never amounted to anything...Because it was special to me...
And I'm not like "Oh, I just got to feel the pain, let myself cry, it's okay.", I'm... I've always been like... "There's another way" So when there isn't...
Trapped... But... I'll be okay... It'll always be there... I have my writing, and it's darn good... But, this is like... the last... vestige of true togetherness in creation... "Everyone Grows up", Screw that, I've heard it all the time, like it's some good thing... I know they don't mean it that way, but they can at least be there and not guilt trip me into silence and tell me that... It wasn't my fault, or... Something...
And worst of all that makes them sound bad, when, they're the true importance in my life... So many things... So many things...
But, it will be worth it, right? Holding onto my writing? I always say it will... This isn't an end it's just... A pause... and maybe I will come back. Even if there still isn't anyone there. Just feels wrong, just feels bad... And it's hard when all you have is some Forum you've said too much in, a Pillow, and God...
Losing is a part of life, but it... Okay, I'm going to say it... "It straight up fucking sucks! after all this time..." hooo
Okay... Sorry.... Everyone jokes and stuff, but, I unload my baggage like a dumpster XD. Sorry.... No I won't say any name regarding the channel, if something happens, some miracle, something... if it is doesn't... Well...
I still have my writing! here's your proud dude who "Never gives up" having to let go of one more thing...
And I do feel strangely better now that I've said all i've needed to... My legs are aching though, oddly enough. And now I kind of feel bad, since this forum doesn't have like a expand or shrink thing... Heh... And for all my hopes and brags about my writing, I've written like a Drunk Man on Meth, Heh... Just so many doors are closing, and you love everything on the other side... But, it's like... i don't know... you can't have it all... And you don't want to here that, even if it isn't true, for a moment you want to hear "Tomorrow, you'll have it." Even if it is a lie... You just want to hear something hopeful, some beautiful lie... Something good...
Thanks for your time, sorry for cluttering this forum with this monstrosity and all my other woes... Heh, If I make it somewhere, and get rich or something, I'll give the site owners enough money to build in a shrink and expand thing to the forums XD.
