Pg. 5 - Is this supposed to be "That wasn't the original plan"?
Pg. 13 - "I'm going to go off the grid" = ??? Shouldn't that be something like "I'm just a fragment of a memory / ghost and will disperse/fade?"
Pg. 14 - "why did you all go behind this door..." "why are you following us" and "We're here because we want to be and it's not like we're in your way, so what about it?" ???
Pg. 22 - "for their own" -> "for their own ends" or "for themselves"
Pg. 23 - It really shouldn't be 'side effects' since she's not talking about an effect of the medicine. She should say something like "the medicine isn't perfect, it's limitations..." which slashymcgoil interprets as the medicine not halting aging, but in reality the limitations are that you have to keep taking the medicine to maintain it's effects, and can only produce enough for 12 people.
Pg. 24 - You're chopping out some of the sentence structure in ways that hurt readability. "My hair loss was due to stress" "It's limitation is that if it is not consumed..."