Yesterday I planned to write all day, because I haven't been able to (life, sadly), but as I woke up, I couldn't write anything good, and it left me feeling empty.
Didn't help that I watched the Garouden Anime either, I loved it but, it's ending and my feelings at the moment sordidly correlated in a way which left me blank for the entire day. I'm just so tired, so tired... But, nothing stops, and I'm always tired, and everything always hurts, and I want to write again so bad.
Everything's so clear in my head, but... I'm so tired... And when I awaken it doesn't come out right. The last time this happened I lost several stories, realizing (I am a bit of a harsh self-critic) they were just... empty, or maybe they weren't, or maybe I didn't understand them anymore.
I'm scared to write, and when I finally return, to find what I've written to be... well that I can't understand it... Yet I truly wanted to write yesterday no matter what, and I tried, I tried... And I'll be gone again tomorrow, those ideas left to gestate again, only to be forgotten in my exhaustion. Honestly I wonder how I'm able to even keep going. Each night that pain is sharper and sharper and yet I still hold on, thinking there will be a respite, yet more and more time is being lost...
But, I have to keep hoping in something, It'll pay off, right? I keep waiting for it. I know "Just go and leap for something".
It's weird, I don't think I can even jump. All I can do is hold on. Let others push and prod as I remain this blank face... I wonder if I'm a coward, a pushover, yet I can't see any other way. My life is best when I am creating something, And I hope to keep doing so, for those days, where I am indeed tired, but... I'm proud to be.
Those days will come again, I just need to keep holding on and waiting for that moment, it'll show. I guess the truth is, like yesterday, that amidst the strain of holding on, there's a lot of pain, obviously, and a lot of tears. I don't like crying when there's no... well... fix... But, it's all I can do... I wish I could be angry like everyone else, and shout and scream, but I see what that does to others.
Why doesn't anyone consider that? Is there something wrong with me? Is that why I'm still being considered useless?
I'm too dramatic, I know... But, if everyone in the world can shout and scream, at the very least I can do this. And while I won't feel better afterwards... At least it is known somewhere that it is pain.
That's the big one, I've been so cagey and silent all my life, no one can tell when I'm suffering. But, do I want that recognition? No, I don't want to be a bother, yet I guess some other part of me sees that, because of this, they think nothing ever happens. When I'm in such sadness, they only see nothing, or would see it as small.
Furthermore, a month or so ago, it sort of happened, during a discussion of sorts, I hadn't tried to mediate in years, when I tried, things twisted and contorted and it all got so bad, for once I just... well... finally said I feel pain too, and said a bunch I don't remember and cried so much the discussion ended there.
But, nothing's changed, they move on as if everything's normal and... well... I feel like I've been gored.
I understand life is about finding purpose in suffering and whatnot, but, why is my purpose getting so far away, and why is my pain turning into things which won't ever give me peace. What will I be in a few years?
But, all I know how to do is hold on, so I'll keep doing so of course... I... Suppose everyone wants to, no matter how private they are, they want to... be seen? to be understood? As if understanding can maybe find one safe harbor from even more pain?
It's a paradox of pain I can't find an answer to, even though I know the answer "Talk". But, once I do, it feels like I've thrown a burden unto someone else, and I've seen and felt that from others almost all my life. I just... wish for once I didn't feel it was wrong to wail.
But, what does any of this mean anyway, just an idiot rambling, I'll be writing again soon. My troubles are small, compared to what's coming.
I just wish I could've written a single paragraph which felt right to me, just a single one, but I can't focus... I'm just so tired...
It's funny though, I just want someone to hear it, yet want everything to be normal, I hold on yet cry like a little baby all on my own because I'm too afraid. I have all these ideas, all these hopes and dreams, and I hold on to them, but I'm too scared to do it all alone. What is wrong with me? I should be stronger, and I am getting stronger, but each day that I endure it hurts even more. Yet what pain is it? No one sees it! Yet...
Oh I'm rambling again. I am incredibly embarrassing and ridiculous, aren't I? Still just a child, but, I never wanted to change either. There're people who love who I am, and I love who I am and what I do. Just wish truly I didn't feel so foolish sometimes. It's not always painful, there're plenty of respites in life, and in the end, we were given the capacity for sorrow and tears, to feel. I shouldn't think it's wrong. We were made to feel pain, we were made to feel joy, and suffering and happiness and sadness... All of those things.... I shouldn't always hide it... I just get so nervous, so scared showing it to anyone else, the suffering, sadness, joy and happiness, I'm afraid it won't be understood or demeaned, yet I never... try... I never give it a chance.
I wonder if all this holding on will someday let me give people that chance, I wonder if anyone will ever see it. But, do I want them to? People see pain all the time... It's a downright conundrum... I don't want to be a whiner, but I want to whine.