Hmm, this must be a new version of the post I assume? Well, I'm doing a lot better nowadays! We moved to a new lovely home too, and while I miss late-late nights, there are still some which give me time for plenty of reading and writing!
Now my tales of Fantasy Tournaments, Martial Mafias, Frostbound God Wars, Quests to stop Liches, and a Amazon who simply wants to return to her fiancé (Not as rom-com-esque as it sounds) can continue! And all have expanded wonderfully!
But, troubles... There is this lingering twinge, which does take hold at night... Like... When will there be another trial, did I please God? Why did this trial please those I love, why did they not see how much it pained me? But... I am proud to say those are growing all the quieter... I am still scared, but hope is shining brighter as a new rhythm afforms. And once I enter a rhythm, I'm back to my Old self! Now to someday talk to my brothers about our shared story! Sure, they haven't really written for some time, nor have we talked specifics after I spent several years writing up a full history for them to play in (which... they have sort of forgotten about). And the last thing I wanted opinions on amounted to at least one of them offering and incredibly vague "I don't have the time to review it all" but... I can sense now that amidst their own paths in life, they have this lingering feeling of looking back. And it'll help us remember simpler days. The Elder may regret the days of toys and whatnot, the latter may have afformed a loftier and grander schedule which sees him off for quite some time... But, that fuels the reasoning for such a conversation. When able. But, maybe... As sad as it sounds, perhaps it's better for them to pursue their own paths for now. I wish not to be a hindrance. That's the last thing I want to ever be!
There it is though. After the trial, I began work on this presentation, it's been quite some time since I've shown any of them my work. But, after a couple weeks, I lost courage... I see how passionate they are about other things, or how busy they are... And while I know I need to I remember the reactions toward my six-year project I sort of sifted into the dust and have begun revisioning. Which saw only one of the 4 of my family actually say anything about it and that was... grammatical. Which wasn't what I was looking for...
I need courage... But, it's sad really the most courage I've had was during the trial, and I'm reminded of how... Lonely it was... How horrifying it was and how sorrowful it felt to think of home.
Think about it. In those three months I wrote only 40k words. Upon the first week free, in three days I wrote 40k words.
Doing the math, I lost One Million, Two Hundred Thousands Words worth of time... When I realized that I was actually quite sad, then we moved so that feeling was shooed for a sense of curiosity and wonderment... Oh, and the Washer which almost saw to squishing me. HAH!
And while I know I should not wait for miracles... I prayed since I was but 8, for a house as... homey as this one... Maybe the miracle I've held close in hope for ten years may come to pass, If I simply continue to hold strong, and hone my stories a little longer...
BUT! Ignoring that dramatically LONG and boring droning, I can proudly say... I'm okay! And each project I've returned to, I've returned to with renewed heart, and a flood of better ideas which have made them stronger! I simply need to carry on, if anything the past few days are prime proof, faith is what I need, and that I'll keep for certain! But, I need to have more faith in myself. And maybe stop eating latenight icecream sandwiches!