There are two things that are making me stressed, one of them got solved recently.
So, let's start with this funny story. After Infinity War, I'm pretty much a Marvel fanboy. I remember getting excited watching the trailer for Endgame and finding out what its name is since the Russo Brothers said that "it's kept a secret because it's a spoiler to Infinity War". Got me really excited.
One month in is about where the leaks came out. The only two social medias I use daily are Line for communication and YouTube for entertainment. I've set two rules for myself: 1. Never click on anything Marvel-related or the algorithm will summon spoilers in my reccommendation feed - therefore never look at the reccommendations feed; 2. Be extra, extra, extra careful when scrolling down comment sections. That was how serious I was at avoiding spoilers.
Then all I needed to do was order the ticket online. The incoming week, I was already aware that tickets could already be prebought online - I even heard on the radio that the premium tickets were sold out on the first day - but I didn't do anything since I thought my parents already handled it.
Three days left to opening day which is Wednesday, on a car trip home, I brought up the topic after hearing stuffs on the radio which reminded me of it. Turns out, they haven't even bought the ticket yet. When my mom checked online, guess what? Due to schedules, my whole family won't be able to see it on opening day (there were still seats in the front but who would want to break their necks staring up for three hours straight in order to watch a parallelogram screen? No way.) So we looked over the next four days, looking for a good time with a good seat. I was really pushing it since the faster I see Endgame, the faster I can drop this strict anti-spoiler initiative. I really love a good story and want the best experience for my first viewing so spoilers are like toxins to me.
There, on a Friday, three open seats laying tightly in the middle amongst a sea of taken spots. It's almost as if it's there just waiting for my family of three. Since this is online, I knew that it can be taken at any moment. I don't want them to be taken, I want them for us and us only. The thing is, it's 3 pm in the afternoon where it's still work hours - or rather school hours.
"Thankfully" my college has a schedule that is very different from that of my high school. It isn't packed with lessons from 8 to 15 o'clock, it's small chunks of lecture spread throughout the week filled with extremely concentrated doses of education - basically it have a lot of free time which allows for extreme flexibility, given that you're responsible for how you manage your own time. I saw the spots for Friday, 3 pm. "Unfortunately", it's taken with biochemistry. But I was desperate.
With my college wanting a schedule whose flexibility is greater than Elastigirl, I recalled that Biochemistry is one of the few courses that are on an experimental run. Half of the lessons over one semester will be face-to-face (F2F), the other will be online which means that I can stay home. This switches back and forth. Week 1 will be F2F, 2 will be online, so on and so forth. Week 9 is online. This Friday is week 9. That's it, this is a miracle, take this chance, Mom! Buy the tickets before someone else steals them!!
That night, I came to a horrible sense of realization where I bare witness to a blessing turning into a curse before me. After reading up on my class Line group, I discovered that I had misremembered something. This Friday is week 10, last week was week 9. We have Biochemistry class this Friday, right when Endgame is playing in the theater whose tickets my parents bought the past afternoon is supposed to give us entry to. I had already prepared myself to, instead of loosening up, tighten my schedule into "2. Don't look at ant comment sections at all" since I was so excited that I wanted to take extra measures. I've always thought of myself weird - why can't I get excited even when events I look forward to are right around the corner? Here's the answer: I lied to myself that I wasn't excited when in reality I really am, I knew that I can't contain my excitement and therefore I lied to myself. I would have never discover this about myself if the world didn't came crashing down before my eyes the very moment I knew that my memories had lied to my face.
Then I faced a dillema - should I skip Biochem? Remember about the flexible schedule? I'm about to make it even more flexible. The school allows absents as long as the attendence rate exceeds 80% and I haven't skipped on ant of my previous Biochem. The lectures there were so difficult that wether or not I'm there to listen to the lecturer, it still won't change the fact that I'll need to look up YouTube videos on the topic get the slightest hope of understanding the lesson. I knew that - if I skip I will get away scott-free; it never was a matter of "if", it was rather a matter of "should I?" My parents will most definitely be against me skipping but if I don't tell them, I can guarantee that they will never know.
But I decided to tell them anyway and part of me that was against this despises me for this. I can still feel that part's anger, although more soothed now, will still scar my memory. My parents didn't lash out, they didn't say "I'm not mad, I'm dissapointed" although it was very clearly defined in the tone of their voice. The part that was scarred in my memory was the incredibly humongous self-dissapointment and the amount of trust I loss on myself. The thought that came across my mind everyday back then was "Yeah, I know that this will be a funny memory in 10, maybe 20 years. But right now, all I feel, is pure dissapointment."
The guilt burdened my mind and disruptedy focus every single day until the moment I was able to sit there on the theater on the next Monday, where I'm supposed to have General Microbiology and Organic Chemistry. I assure you, I triple-checked everything and even crosschecked with my Line group. I was intoxicated by a cocktail of exhilararion, panic, wonder, waryness, and curiosity for my schedule, the tickets, Endgame, everything. My mind was tied to so many different things back then that even double-checking wasn't enough to avoid that incredibly stupid mistake. But don't worry, those two classes are online and I have free time.
I was so traumatized by my self-dissapointment that even weeks after the incident, I had not recovered and one time where my extra, extra flexible schedule was being weird, I crosschecked multiple times to my class Line group that I started seeing myself as a nuisance for repeatedly asking for the same information. But I needed the extra assurance. I basically lost all trust in myself.
But then I memorized the Krebs cycle and suddenly regained confidence after being so proud of myself.
Well, that's one of two out of my chest.
The second one is my midterm result. It was horrible. Fundamentals of Life Sciences and Org Chem are two lessons I felt really confident at that I was certain I'd get at least 80 on the two of them. FLS was a 58.5 and Org Chem is a 60. Welp, thanks Krebs for helping but my self-confidence is back to a zero.
Wanna know what's worst? I got the chance to look at my midterm exam to review what I got wrong.
Stupid mistakes. Incredibly stupid mistakes.
Two questions that I got wrong were genuine. I didn't study enough and those two were out of my radar. I had no hard feelings for them. However, everything else was just plain idiotic.
I got two questions wrong because I miscounted the number of electrons on a nitrogen. A SINGLE ATOM COSTED ME TWO QUESTIONS. The octet rule says "but this is impossible!" yet my guts say "go ahead, add one more pair of electrons because I feel it's right!" NO IT WASN'T WHY DID I TRUST YOU BACK THEN?!!! I've trusted my guts my whole life yet at this one moment it decided to screw with me, seriously? WHY?
Oh this isn't over yet. I saved the worst for last. Stereochemistry. Freaking. Stereochemistry. It costed me so many questions I stopped counting. Stereochemistry alone was the sole reason my score crashed. I knew that clockwise means R, anticlockwise means S. And yeah, in the test I answered all clockwise as R and all anticlockwise as S. You know why I failed? I thought that a clockwise molecule
was anticlockwise. Yeah, that's right. I DON'T FREAKING KNOW HOW TO CLOCK. It was incredibly dumb that I got ALL stereochemistry questions wrong. Except for one but that was at the very beginning before my stupidity takes over my mind and answered the rest of the questions wrong. Brainless. Dazed. Deficient. Dense. Dim. Doltish. Whatever synonyms thesaurus.com brings to me. The mistake was just so dumb it could be put in The Simpsons just so that the characters can laugh at my mistake. Oh, what's that? My self-confidence? Yeah I don't see it anywhere since IT'S ON THE NEGATIVE SCALE ALREADY.
And my parents telling me that a 70 isn't good enough isn't helping either. Obviously I kept this a secret from them. I know that I'm failing, their lectures won't help me more.
I don't think my GPA for this semester will be good and lessons next year are just gonna escalate in difficulty so the only thing I hope for is that I can maintain 3.5. This is pretty low for someone who looked into the future wanting to graduate with a >3.8 GPA during high school. I wonder how much lower it can go?
But seriously. I just hope that this can't get any lower. Alright Imma go read some isekai or play random forum games or waste my time fapping to lolis or something. It's 25 minutes past three in the freaking morning now and I've been continuously writing on this for an hour after doing my lab journal just past midnight which I procrastinated on the entire day which really is not helping my Circadian rythm which recently just fixed itself - safe to say that I broke it once again tho. I need to wake up at 8 just to be there for lab at 10 o'clock which if I get any more absents Imma fail the course and have to repeat the next year and I hope to God this won't happen cause my self-confidence is approaching negative infinity so woohoo me.
K goodnight. I'm just going insane.
