This is so very difficult to follow...
For the last three chapters, he has been screaming to himself, and demanding other people to quit; sure, some of it was the desire to "run" (like, where bruh?), but mostly, MC has been pounding the idea, over and over, to quit trying.
Just an endless repetitive "give UP! give UP! give UP!" And demanding that his "comrades" quit and give up as well.
Okay, got it; MC desperately wants to die, and will even fight the tools he calls friends if they try to live by fighting.
And then this chapter opens... and he suddenly wants to live?
Is the author on Crack?
He literally grabbed the elf to stop her from trying to live; he wants to give up, quit, and die so badly that he is willing to force other people to die with him, even if they want to live!
And now, suddenly, he doesn't want to die?
Da fuq