Dex-chan lover
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2019
- Messages
- 9,443
No one could have envisioned the true potential of the 270mm COW GIRL Figurine, not even myself. Throughout our journey, I had a sneaking suspicion that its value was more than sentimental, but I wasn't going to blab about it to Sterben—he was already fed up with my obsession over it. Whenever I paused in the middle of a fight to polish the figure, I could hear his sanity audibly cracking. Any more, and I think it would've pushed him over the edge. (He's also more of a Guild Girl fan which is why we initially got off on the wrong foot in Chapter 0 which is unreleased as of writing this.)
As @hazzack struggles to restrain @EOTFOFYL a mere 25 feet away from me (I retreated a bit when they weren't looking), I frantically clutch my COW GIRL figurine with sweaty palms and hold it up high, pointing it towards them. The figurine begins to shake—then suddenly, it releases a dazzling beam of reddish-pink light (the same color as Cow Girl's hair) that bursts up into the sky. I see a futuristic pop-up notification in my POV just like the hit series Solo Leveling. It reads, "AWAKENED COW GIRL FIGURINE [S RANK] — Ability unlock: [DEUS EX MACHINA] [Uses: 0 of 1]". Then, appropriately, I mention my thoughts out loud to myself like a chuuni edgelord. Hazzack and EOTFOFYL grimace at my behavior, but in my mind I look just like Sole Leveler, the protagonist of Solo Leveling.
After their astonishment wears off, hazzack and Haikubro (formerly EOTFOFYL, now free of brainwashing) waddle over to me (yeah, Haikubro waddles too) and we begin sharing Pixiv fanart amongst ourselves. As it turns out, Haikubro's brainwashing was caused by a talisman taped to his forehead. Hazzack and I probably should've started with that talisman when we were trying to undo the brainwashing—but in the heat of the moment, I suppose you just don't notice some things. It is a shame that my awakened COW GIRL figurine's single-use ability is now depleted, though.
As Haikubro and hazzack attempt to peel off the now-benign forehead talisman, I decide to see how Sterben's doing by turning my head 100 degrees to look in his direction.
A text box appears on screen that reads (5 MINUTES AGO, A FEW YARDS AWAY)
Sterben pants (as in, the verb "pants"—not to be confused with [STERBEN PANTS], a product that @sterben manufactured and sold in his mid to late 20s. Initially intended only for sale locally, [STERBEN PANTS] ended up surpassing Sterb's wildest expectations. He scaled the operation up exponentially, and it became a worldwide phenomena—with every man, child, and manchild wearing a pair. Even today, [STERBEN PANTS] are still in vogue. Their unique plaid design and comfortable texture have propelled them to become a staple in the pants industry.) and wheezes in front of Fishman (Richman's new evil ater ego). After taking a direct hit to the left leg while inflicted with a cringe debuff, Sterb's health bar is at its wits' end (even after I valiantly healed his leg). Sterb pleads with his health bar, begging it to stay. There is a bit of an emotional tug-of-war, but eventually the health bar relents—it realizes that it needs Sterben just as much as Sterben needs it. Sterben exhales a sigh of relief.
Fishman slithers around all gross-like in front of Sterben, keeping him on his toes (he was on his heels before). In search of a potion, Sterb reaches for his pants pocket—but realizes he's not wearing pants! Fishman uses the opportunity to lash out verbally at him. Sterb braces himself, but is hit with a slew of harsh words mixed with unintelligible bits about model tanks. Sterb is harmed emotionally by words and spiritually by cringe. He unsheathes his [SterbSword] and prepares to retaliate verbally and physically.
STERBEN: "I have failed you, @Richman. I was never able to teach you to shitpost."
FISHMAN: "I should have known the GFG were plotting to take over..."
STERBEN: "From the Mods! Richman, Chancellor ixlone is evil!"
FISHMAN: "From the GFG's point of view! From my point of view, the GFG is evil!"
STERBEN: "Well, then you are cringe!"
Fishman slithers and wriggles his way towards Sterb's simple domain (from JJK). The verbal altercation continues again until Sterben meanders toward the safety of a nearby pile of sodium chloride. He yells at Fishman.
STERBEN: "It's over, Richman. I have the salt mound."
FISHMAN: "You underestimate my power!
STERBEN: "Don't try it."
Fishman advances, and Sterb throws a handful of salt in response, then uses his [SterbSword] to cut off Fishman's left arm (as an anthropomorphic fish, he has human arms and legs) swifter than v3 justforthelulz commenting on—well, anything. Fishman recoils and tumbles down the embankment, flopping to a stop near the edge of the water.
STERBEN: "You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the staff, not join them! It was you who would bring life to the forums, not leave them for Discord!"
Sterben picks up Fishman's Girls' Last Tour Complete 6-book Manga Set by Tsukumizu and begins to skip away like a child. He stops skipping and looks back.
FISHMAN: incomprehensible muttering about yuri manga
STERBEN: "You were my [racially insensitive term], Richman. I loved you."
Fishman's scales begin sizzling from the salt. Suddenly, Fishman bursts into song and dance and starts singing. He is never to be seen again.
(PRESENT DAY, PRESENT TIME)
Sterben, with a somber expression, makes his way to hazzack, Haikubro, and myself. He's dragging his feet, but will be here any moment now. I roll for int to think of something to say to lift his spirits.
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