I am writing a novel and i want some opinions.

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Hey guys, can you give me any opinions on this:
Chapter 10: Dolonde, Land of Elves.

The elf, who was at S+ rank asked Xior, through telepathy, “Who are you?!! What have you done!!!” in a way which indicated that she was barely suppressing her anger.
Xior replied, “I am a being far different from you, I just burned some elves, what’s the matter?,” very sarcastically, though while replying that, Xior inched closer to the dungeon gate, as if to escape if things went out of hand. He also tried to secretly prepare the skill, <Flames of the Abyss>.
The elf saw that, Xior was inching closer to the gate and just moved her sceptre slightly, as soon as she did that the trees, as if conscious, made their branches rush towards Xior to stop him.
Xior noticed that, as if he was prepared for that to happen, he used the skill<Flames of the Abyss> and launched fireballs towards the trees.
The trees soon caught on fire. The elf was surprised to see the fire spreading through the trees, she tried everything she could to stop the fire from spreading and she did stop the fire but at a very high cost of mana. She then looked at Xior.
She thought, ‘If it takes this much power to stop the spell that being has casted, he should also have consumed a large amount of mana too. I can defeat him.’
But alas, when she looked at Xior, she saw Xior had another tongue of flames, prepared on his hands, he also looked quite ready, as if he would through fireballs again and burn down the entire forest if needs be.
Xior asked her, “Why so serious, I just burned some trees. You did not ask me about the other elves, which means that you don’t care about them, so why care about trees? May I have your name?”
Xior understood that the elf in front of him had qualms about risking the forest, though he did not know the reason for that, so he assumed it might be related to her powers.
The elf was enraged after she heard the tone Xior had used to speak with her, but she still kept her calm for she could not risk the trees and…..
She replied, “I, indeed, did not care about those elves, they were traitors of the city I rule, Dolonde. I am Arwel Quinte, the sole Queen of Dolonde. Identify yourself, outsider.”
Xior narrowed his eyes at her response.
Xior thought, ‘Normal dungeons are small, even the largest dungeon was only 50 km² in area and that was S+ rank too. But then why is it so that I am only seeing an endless expanse of forest, with only a city there. It appears very large too. Let’s play along with her to get more information.’
Xior replied, ‘I am Xior, Xior Wenson. I run an organization of people too, though not elves.”
The elf replied with another question, “You appeared from a portal, how?”
Xior got curious about the question she had just asked, he then thought of something and did not even bother asking anything.
Xior without even replying went back through the dungeon gate, still keeping the flames in his hand.
Seeing Xior pass through the portal, Arwel got furious and rushed into the gate too, but a rejection force straight up rejected her from passing through the portal. She then thought, ‘This portal is the same as others, it will not allow me to pass through it no matter what. I must gather the elders to be prepared for an invasion. It does not appear the other sides have many ‘Kings’. As only one appeared, they should have only 3 to 4 of them. Let’s use this chance to take them all out at once and then enter their land to plunder.’
[Power rank system of Dolonde:
S+: King
S : Elite
A : Knight
No one below rank A exists in Dolonde]
-----
Xior returned to the basement and looked at the black S rank gate. He did not even notice that he had a pop-up window to check.
He thought, ‘As per the current information, there is a developed civilization in there. Which means I can use them and control them. As the dungeon is at the extreme limits of S rank there should be at most 10 S+ ranks in there. We can take over them without any issues.’
After thinking all this, Xior noticed that he had an unchecked pop-up window.
He willed for it to appear and so it did, right in front of his eyes.
[Congratulations on your first opening of the dungeon.
Rank of the dungeon: S
Type: Field.
Creatures: Elves, highly civilized.
Size: 200 km²
Time left until outbreak: 1 week.]
Xior nodded after checking the window and understood why the dungeon was so big.
Xior then took out the Energy Extractor from his storage ring. He saw that the energy extractor was in a shape of a large dome, and was expandable and retractable. He noticed that to use it he would have to set it to cover all of the dungeon gate and so he did.
Just as he was about to do it manually, the screen on the energy extractor turned on and showed:
{A dungeon has been detected.
Start Energy Extraction now?
Yes/No?}
Xior chose yes.
The screen showed another prompt.
{Choose extraction mode:
Extreme: Extracts all the energy from the dungeon, resulting into the closing of the dungeon itself.
Normal: Extracts the energy of the dungeon as per the rank and lasts till the end of the looting period.
Harmony: Extracts the energy in limit as per dungeon rank so as to not harm the dungeon at all. Can keep on going as long as the dungeon exists.}
Xior thought for a moment and chose the harmony mode.
As soon as he selected that, the Energy Extractor expanded itself and covered the entire dungeon gate leaving only a door as a way of passage.
The dome which covered the dungeon had a screen on it.
The screen showed:
{Extracting energy in harmony mode.
Extraction target: S rank dungeon.
Output: 3 S+ rank mana stones worth of energy/day}
Xior went inside the dome to see a frame like structure completely encasing the dungeon gate leaving only one side open. There was also a collection area where the energy was being collected. He noticed there was a capacity to it. The capacity was 1000 S+ mana stones worth of energy, which meant that it could hold up to 1000 S+ mana stones worth of energy at any moment.
Xior looked all around the Energy Extractor as if he was observing how it was working and then left the basement. He directly went in his new office and called Tancred to his office.
As soon as Tancred arrived, Xior asked, “How is the production of Slayer series going on?”
Tancred replied, “We currently have 3 of them prepared, excluding the one made public.”
Xior asked again, “Fully loaded with mana stones?”
Tancred replied, “Yes they are loaded, each can fire 2 shots, even Altes does not know about them as per your order.”
Xior, then said, “Good. We have a dungeon to raid, bring those Slayers along with us.”
Tancred asked, “Shall I inform the rest of the team?”
Xior said, “No need, just we are going, after all you did not get the chance to use your power after becoming an extreme S+, did you? It is a S rank extreme dungeon though.”
Tancred became excited when he thought that he was going to unleash a massacre on an entire dungeon himself and asked impatiently, “Where? When?”
Xior stood up and said, “Follow me, we are going to raid it, now.”
Xior went into the personal lift and Tancred followed. Inside the lift Xior tapped a button which said basement. Tancred was surprised to see it was there.
Tancred asked Xior, “Basement, do we even have one in here.”
Xior put a finger on his lips and said, “No we don’t, that is just a distraction.”
He said that while using telepathy to tell something to Tancred at the same time.
Xior said while using telepathy, “Keep quiet, I suspect there is someone has a skill which let’s them hear what we are talking.”
Tancred nodded.
Soon the lift arrived at the basement. The basement was 100 meters underground.
When Tancred saw the basement he was shocked to see the Energy Extractor and the S rank dungeon within it.
Xior said to Tancred, still through telepathy, “Observe them later, let’s move inside the dungeon, I suspect they will have a ‘warm’ welcome for us as soon as they notice it. Once again we are not going there to kill. We will intimidate them into surrender, is that clear?”
Tancred said, “Yes.”
And then Xior and Tancred proceeded to enter the dungeon.
-------
-At the same time when Xior and Tancred entered the dungeon-
-Dolonde-
Inside the large city of Dolonde, there was a palace made completely out of trees but it still looked as grand, it displayed immense majesty.
Inside the meeting room of the palace, there were 7 people sitting while there was a table in the middle of them. One was seated on a different side of the table, while the remaining six were seating on the either side of the table.
The one who was sitting on a different side was Arwel Quinte, the Queen of elves. The remaining six were elders of the elves of Dolonde.
Arwel stood up from her seat and said, “There was an outsider spotted in the Dolonde’s territory, but before I could subjugate him, he left through the portal. As he was only alone, we can assume that their side only has 4-5 ‘King’ class experts at best, so when they will enter our territory again, even if they bring full power of their side with them, we can still take them down and then invade their world and plunder all their resources, is that agreed?”
All the elders nodded to show their support and just when one of the elder was going to say something, an elf burst through the door of the meeting room and said, “The portal fluctuated again, it seems that the outsiders have invaded once again.”
Arwel nodded and said, “Keep monitoring them, how many outsiders are there?”
The elf replied, “Only two, Your Highness. But one of them has already started burning down the forest, please come to rescue immediately, Your Highness.”
Arwel gritted her teeth as soon as she heard that the forest was on fire again. She looked towards the elders and said, “Elders, I think it is time to make a move, even if there are only two of them, the fire magic the previous one used was very hard to be extinguished,” having said that Arwel took her sceptre and walked out of the meeting room. It appeared that what she said was not a request but an order.
The elders looked at each other and nodded. They also stood up and followed after Arwel.
Soon they reached the portal destination only too see the forest was on fire. Each of the elder and Queen Arwel tried their best to put out the fire. Only then was it out completely.
Xior looked towards the elves and was surprised to see 7 S+ ranks. After all he expected nearly 10 of them, but still 4 of the 7 were emitting near extreme limit(peak) S+ rank aura while the other 3 were above average too.
Xior noticed that the 3 who were not emitting near extreme limit (peak) S+ rank aura were very stealthy while they were moving, almost like a shadow, not emitting their presence at all. He only locked onto them when they made their moves to put out the fire.
Soon the seven of them were about to reach Xior and Tancred.
Just then Xior said to Tancred, “It’s time to return the favour of warm hospitality, do it……”
[Stay Tuned]
The text above is a chapter from a novel I am writing, just tell me how bad it is, any improvements I can make?
 
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To me it reads great, your physical description of settings and so forth is also incredible, as I myself struggle with that! I would wonder if this is the full length of the chapter, but I've dabbled in short chapters which are far better in my eye than the massive ones I tend to struggle with.
I go for a more emotion-centric path instead. Comes with trying to beef things up from my older day vagaries! This though is not vague! I myself would invest in further character interactions, but I like writing conversations, and that could also conflict with pacing too!
 
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To me it reads great, your physical description of settings and so forth is also incredible, as I myself struggle with that! I would wonder if this is the full length of the chapter, but I've dabbled in short chapters which are far better in my eye than the massive ones I tend to struggle with.
I go for a more emotion-centric path instead. Comes with trying to beef things up from my older day vagaries! This though is not vague! I myself would invest in further character interactions, but I like writing conversations, and that could also conflict with pacing too!
Thanks.
It is a complete chapter, though I am trying to edit the entire novel(only 23 chapters and some 30000 words) to make it more smooth in transitions and stuff.
 
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it's fine for a first draft since the goal is to finish. but for a second draft onwards there are areas to improve.

1. there is quite a bit of redundancy. sometimes you narrate things you've already implied.
2. the structure of a sentence is a reflection of the narration. please read what you write carefully and determine if it sounds right. commas belong where the sentence "turns." a period belongs where a sentence "stops."
3. you do not need to frame a dialogue so closely. there are two people speaking. written properly, it will be easy to follow a conversation.
4. remember there is a certain "perspective" the narration takes. there is value in not knowing what a character is thinking. typically, we're given the view of only single character per chapter.

there are some other things here and there, like diction and flow, that could use improvement.

overall, it feels like you read a lot of MTL web novels. i recommend reading some English works.

The elf was livid. “Who are you? What have you done?”

“I’m not from around here.” Xior inched towards the dungeon gate. “All I did was burn some elves. What’s wrong?”

The elf nudged her sceptre and the trees came alive. Their limbs raced towards Xior, and he used his <Flames of the Abyss> to destroy them.

She panicked as the trees around her caught fire. Worse was when the fire seemed to resist her magic. Sweat covered her brow by the time she put out the flames. Creating that fire must have tired him as well.

But Xior was ready with another.

“You don’t bat an eye when I cook some elves,” he said. “A tree lights up and you run yourself ragged. Maybe I should ask who you are.”

She gathered herself. “Indeed, I care not for those elves. I am Arwel Quinte, Queen of Dolonde, and those elves were traitors. Now identify yourself, outsider.”

Xior narrowed his eyes. He knew even the largest dungeons did not exceed fifty square kilometers even above S-rank. Yet the forest surrounding the city seemed endless. What was going on here?

“I’m Xior Wenson. I’m also a leader, though not of elves.”

“You appeared from a portal. How?”

Instead of replying, he passed through the dungeon gate.

The elf queen raced to the gate in pursuit, but an unseen force repelled her before she could cross.

“The same as the others,” she murmured. “I must gather the elders. The other side does not seem to have many Kings. If we defeat them all at once, their land will be ours to plunder.”
anyways, good luck. hope this helped.
 
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Good for you, taking the plunge into novel writing. I feel a bit of motivation just reading what you have posted here. Maybe I need to do something similar and put some work in progress online.

Anyways, Dankenglish did a great job of paring things down to just what a reader needs to know in each sentence. I would love to see this from chapter 1 so we can see what context we are supposed to have coming into each chapter.
 
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Holy comma splices Batman. https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma-splice/

I agree with dankEnglish on most things, and I think reading your work aloud might help you to write it with more natural pacing.

Good on you for putting your work out there!

One other thing: use "asked" and "said" for dialogue. "Replied" and other words that aren't "asked" and "said" (barked, shouted, grunted, etc.) make the dialogue writing look amateurish. If you must use "replied," use it sparingly--like, once for every ten or twenty times you use "said." "Said" is wonderful because it's invisible, allowing people to focus on what the characters are saying instead of how they're saying it.
 
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From a readers perspective, seeing the same narration structure can be a bit tiring.

Also memes can be hit or miss depending on the person.

Its good to mix things up and have characters say things before describing why they did that and not always describing every reaction to individual actions, but instead swapping perspectives and narration after a significant action takes place and the reader's curiosity has had time to stew.

The interaction with the elf as an example; swapping over to the elf's perspective only after she sees the trees burning would give us more context and pacing that Xior found her actions strange and paused his attack while she describes her panic to save the forest and her perspective of how the fight was going.

Personal feelings tho: Please don't burn elves
 
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There is always room for growth, never become complacent.
This has the feel of web novel/light novel, i am more familiar with writing regular novels, but i want to give you some recommendations, you can ignore then if you believe they don't apply to your work, i am not really good at the whole technical part, so i will be picking some areas of your writing and then give you my thoughts.
First i want to point out dialog, lets take some examples from yours.
Xior asked her, “Why so serious, I just burned some trees. You did not ask me about the other elves, which means that you don’t care about them, so why care about trees? May I have your name?”
Xior understood that the elf in front of him had qualms about risking the forest, though he did not know the reason for that, so he assumed it might be related to her powers.
The elf was enraged after she heard the tone Xior had used to speak with her, but she still kept her calm for she could not risk the trees and…..
She replied, “I, indeed, did not care about those elves, they were traitors of the city I rule, Dolonde. I am Arwel Quinte, the sole Queen of Dolonde. Identify yourself, outsider.”
Here for example, you established that we got two Characters on the Scene, use that to your advantage, its always good to determine who is the one talking and who is the one replying, which you did, Xior -> Arwel, when you have that dynamic set up, you can forgo the whole "He asked she replied" everytime they talk, we know there are only two people in scene interacting with each other, and we know the way the conversation flows, unless you are going to change that (i.e Make Arwel -> Xior, or introduce a third character to the scene) there is no need to keep clarifying everytime, it gets old and tedious for both writer and reader. If you insist on keeping them, you can add them after dialog to make some emphasis on the action, you can even add some flavor if you wish.
As soon as Tancred arrived, Xior asked, “How is the production of Slayer series going on?”
Tancred replied, “We currently have 3 of them prepared, excluding the one made public.”
Xior asked again, “Fully loaded with mana stones?”
Tancred replied, “Yes they are loaded, each can fire 2 shots, even Altes does not know about them as per your order.”
Xior, then said, “Good. We have a dungeon to raid, bring those Slayers along with us.”
This part here, This is how i would have handled it for example:
As soon as Tancred arrived, Xior asked, “How is the production of The Slayer series going?”
“We currently have 3 of them prepared, excluding the one made public.”
“Fully loaded with mana stones?”
“Yes they are loaded, each can fire 2 shots" Tancred obediently replied once more, "Even Altes does not know about them, as per your order.”
“Good. We have a dungeon to raid! Bring those Slayers along with us.”

Sure this is more of a matter of style and personal preference, feel free to always go for what feels right to you.
“Why so serious
Be very careful with using pop culture, meme or topical references, those can very easily date a work and make it cringy for a future reader.
Xior thought, ‘Normal dungeons are small, even the largest dungeon was only 50 km² in area and that was S+ rank too. But then why is it so that I am only seeing an endless expanse of forest, with only a city there. It appears very large too. Let’s play along with her to get more information.’
Regular people rarely use exact measurements when referring to areas, is Xior an engineer? or an architect? is he drafting a legal/technical document? Exact measurements are a common trap, many people find it hard to visualize, funnily enough, broader stuff like "Massive" "Tiny" "Fucking big" is easier to visualize, sometimes less accuracy is easier to imagine.
[Congratulations on your first opening of the dungeon.
Rank of the dungeon: S
Type: Field.
Creatures: Elves, highly civilized.
Size: 200 km²
Time left until outbreak: 1 week.]
Here it's fine because its a machine doing it, so it makes sense for it to use exact measurements, and you already gave a sense of scale some lines back.
Xior put a finger on his lips and said, “No we don’t, that is just a distraction.”
He said that while using telepathy to tell something to Tancred at the same time.
Xior said while using telepathy, “Keep quiet, I suspect there is someone has a skill which let’s them hear what we are talking.”
Tancred nodded.
Is telepathy something that is relevant through the entire story? If so, it would be better to use something to make it different from regular speech, preferably something both you and the reader can tell at a glance, why not make it italic? Or underline it? Or make it bold? You can point it out in the earlier chapters so readers understand that's telepathy and get used to it, maybe remind them once or twice per chapter, that way, you don't have to clarify they are using telepathy each time.
She replied, “I, indeed, did not care about those elves, they were traitors of the city I rule, Dolonde. I am Arwel Quinte, the sole Queen of Dolonde. Identify yourself, outsider.”
Don't be afraid to stop dialog and describe body language, people don't just stand there and talk, they fidget, move their hands, move their eyebrows, etc.
Lets take what you wrote and see what we can do to make it feel more believable:
“Indeed, i did not care about those elves, they were traitors to the city which I rule, I." Puffing her chest, she placed her hand over it, taking the pompous stance of a member of the nobility, she continued, "Am Arwel Quinte, the sole Queen of Dolonde." Glaring at Xior she stretched her other hand, pointing one finger towards him, hostility in her voice, "Identify yourself! Outsider!”
It does make a difference, don't you think?
I see that other people gave you suggestions as well, so with this, i hope you continue with your writing, and i am happy to help!
 
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[Power rank system of Dolonde:
S+: King
S : Elite
A : Knight
No one below rank A exists in Dolonde]
What kind of ranking system starts with "knight"?

Even if there are people below that rank in other countries, does this mean nobody in Dolonde is a craftsman, a producer, a service worker, a trader, an administrator?
How can you describe a system without even mentioning what the lowest rank is? This prevents the reader from having any idea of how much different a knight is from other people.
Is B the lowest rank? A knight is just one rank higher, so it's not that impressive.
Is E the lowest rank? That's a little better. But still, what is E? Random citizen? Beggar? Slave?

Or it a pure power-scaling and Dolonde is so powerful that even the random waiter is as strong as a knight? "King" would be a bad title if several people could qualify for this rank on strength alone. And not so impressive when it's only two ranks above the aforementioned waiter.

Then again, is there even a ranking for the average people?

Describing a power ranking is only useful if you give a proper scale. Otherwise, it's like saying that you scored 90 at your last exam. Is it 90 out of 100? or is it out of 300? 500?
 
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What kind of ranking system starts with "knight"?

Even if there are people below that rank in other countries, does this mean nobody in Dolonde is a craftsman, a producer, a service worker, a trader, an administrator?
How can you describe a system without even mentioning what the lowest rank is? This prevents the reader from having any idea of how much different a knight is from other people.
Is B the lowest rank? A knight is just one rank higher, so it's not that impressive.
Is E the lowest rank? That's a little better. But still, what is E? Random citizen? Beggar? Slave?

Or it a pure power-scaling and Dolonde is so powerful that even the random waiter is as strong as a knight? "King" would be a bad title if several people could qualify for this rank on strength alone. And not so impressive when it's only two ranks above the aforementioned waiter.

Then again, is there even a ranking for the average people?

Describing a power ranking is only useful if you give a proper scale. Otherwise, it's like saying that you scored 90 at your last exam. Is it 90 out of 100? or is it out of 300? 500?
Thanks... I will change those parts and see if that works out.. thanks really man, I was losing
 
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Jul 29, 2020
Messages
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What kind of ranking system starts with "knight"?

Even if there are people below that rank in other countries, does this mean nobody in Dolonde is a craftsman, a producer, a service worker, a trader, an administrator?
How can you describe a system without even mentioning what the lowest rank is? This prevents the reader from having any idea of how much different a knight is from other people.
Is B the lowest rank? A knight is just one rank higher, so it's not that impressive.
Is E the lowest rank? That's a little better. But still, what is E? Random citizen? Beggar? Slave?

Or it a pure power-scaling and Dolonde is so powerful that even the random waiter is as strong as a knight? "King" would be a bad title if several people could qualify for this rank on strength alone. And not so impressive when it's only two ranks above the aforementioned waiter.

Then again, is there even a ranking for the average people?

Describing a power ranking is only useful if you give a proper scale. Otherwise, it's like saying that you scored 90 at your last exam. Is it 90 out of 100? or is it out of 300? 500?
Thanks... I will change those parts and see if that works out.. thanks really man, I was loo
There is always room for growth, never become complacent.
This has the feel of web novel/light novel, i am more familiar with writing regular novels, but i want to give you some recommendations, you can ignore then if you believe they don't apply to your work, i am not really good at the whole technical part, so i will be picking some areas of your writing and then give you my thoughts.
First i want to point out dialog, lets take some examples from yours.

Here for example, you established that we got two Characters on the Scene, use that to your advantage, its always good to determine who is the one talking and who is the one replying, which you did, Xior -> Arwel, when you have that dynamic set up, you can forgo the whole "He asked she replied" everytime they talk, we know there are only two people in scene interacting with each other, and we know the way the conversation flows, unless you are going to change that (i.e Make Arwel -> Xior, or introduce a third character to the scene) there is no need to keep clarifying everytime, it gets old and tedious for both writer and reader. If you insist on keeping them, you can add them after dialog to make some emphasis on the action, you can even add some flavor if you wish.

This part here, This is how i would have handled it for example:
As soon as Tancred arrived, Xior asked, “How is the production of The Slayer series going?”
“We currently have 3 of them prepared, excluding the one made public.”
“Fully loaded with mana stones?”
“Yes they are loaded, each can fire 2 shots" Tancred obediently replied once more, "Even Altes does not know about them, as per your order.”
“Good. We have a dungeon to raid! Bring those Slayers along with us.”

Sure this is more of a matter of style and personal preference, feel free to always go for what feels right to you.

Be very careful with using pop culture, meme or topical references, those can very easily date a work and make it cringy for a future reader.

Regular people rarely use exact measurements when referring to areas, is Xior an engineer? or an architect? is he drafting a legal/technical document? Exact measurements are a common trap, many people find it hard to visualize, funnily enough, broader stuff like "Massive" "Tiny" "Fucking big" is easier to visualize, sometimes less accuracy is easier to imagine.

Here it's fine because its a machine doing it, so it makes sense for it to use exact measurements, and you already gave a sense of scale some lines back.

Is telepathy something that is relevant through the entire story? If so, it would be better to use something to make it different from regular speech, preferably something both you and the reader can tell at a glance, why not make it italic? Or underline it? Or make it bold? You can point it out in the earlier chapters so readers understand that's telepathy and get used to it, maybe remind them once or twice per chapter, that way, you don't have to clarify they are using telepathy each time.

Don't be afraid to stop dialog and describe body language, people don't just stand there and talk, they fidget, move their hands, move their eyebrows, etc.
Lets take what you wrote and see what we can do to make it feel more believable:
“Indeed, i did not care about those elves, they were traitors to the city which I rule, I." Puffing her chest, she placed her hand over it, taking the pompous stance of a member of the nobility, she continued, "Am Arwel Quinte, the sole Queen of Dolonde." Glaring at Xior she stretched her other hand, pointing one finger towards him, hostility in her voice, "Identify yourself! Outsider!”
It does make a difference, don't you think?
I see that other people gave you suggestions as well, so with this, i hope you continue with your writing, and i am happy to help!
Yeah if I do that the characters will feel more real and will also help the readers immerse into the scene.. thanks a lot for the idea
 
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Messages
49
From a readers perspective, seeing the same narration structure can be a bit tiring.

Also memes can be hit or miss depending on the person.

Its good to mix things up and have characters say things before describing why they did that and not always describing every reaction to individual actions, but instead swapping perspectives and narration after a significant action takes place and the reader's curiosity has had time to stew.

The interaction with the elf as an example; swapping over to the elf's perspective only after she sees the trees burning would give us more context and pacing that Xior found her actions strange and paused his attack while she describes her panic to save the forest and her perspective of how the fight was going.

Personal feelings tho: Please don't burn elves
Yes that would help improve the overall flow. Thanks a lot and sorry for not replying, I was busy due to personal reasons..
 
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Messages
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Holy comma splices Batman. https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma-splice/

I agree with dankEnglish on most things, and I think reading your work aloud might help you to write it with more natural pacing.

Good on you for putting your work out there!

One other thing: use "asked" and "said" for dialogue. "Replied" and other words that aren't "asked" and "said" (barked, shouted, grunted, etc.) make the dialogue writing look amateurish. If you must use "replied," use it sparingly--like, once for every ten or twenty times you use "said." "Said" is wonderful because it's invisible, allowing people to focus on what the characters are saying instead of how they're saying it.
Yes, I will fix that... My first language is not english so it's hard for me to get the flow right.. thanks a lot for the advice
 
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Good for you, taking the plunge into novel writing. I feel a bit of motivation just reading what you have posted here. Maybe I need to do something similar and put some work in progress online.

Anyways, Dankenglish did a great job of paring things down to just what a reader needs to know in each sentence. I would love to see this from chapter 1 so we can see what context we are supposed to have coming into each chapter.
You should also try writing your own work, or design your own comic. It really helps..
 
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Yeah I read a lot of MTL and 3-3.5/5 translated stuff from webnovel, maybe I just shaped my work like that. Thank you for pointing that out.
it's fine for a first draft since the goal is to finish. but for a second draft onwards there are areas to improve.

1. there is quite a bit of redundancy. sometimes you narrate things you've already implied.
2. the structure of a sentence is a reflection of the narration. please read what you write carefully and determine if it sounds right. commas belong where the sentence "turns." a period belongs where a sentence "stops."
3. you do not need to frame a dialogue so closely. there are two people speaking. written properly, it will be easy to follow a conversation.
4. remember there is a certain "perspective" the narration takes. there is value in not knowing what a character is thinking. typically, we're given the view of only single character per chapter.

there are some other things here and there, like diction and flow, that could use improvement.

overall, it feels like you read a lot of MTL web novels. i recommend reading some English works.

The elf was livid. “Who are you? What have you done?”

“I’m not from around here.” Xior inched towards the dungeon gate. “All I did was burn some elves. What’s wrong?”

The elf nudged her sceptre and the trees came alive. Their limbs raced towards Xior, and he used his <Flames of the Abyss> to destroy them.

She panicked as the trees around her caught fire. Worse was when the fire seemed to resist her magic. Sweat covered her brow by the time she put out the flames. Creating that fire must have tired him as well.

But Xior was ready with another.

“You don’t bat an eye when I cook some elves,” he said. “A tree lights up and you run yourself ragged. Maybe I should ask who you are.”

She gathered herself. “Indeed, I care not for those elves. I am Arwel Quinte, Queen of Dolonde, and those elves were traitors. Now identify yourself, outsider.”

Xior narrowed his eyes. He knew even the largest dungeons did not exceed fifty square kilometers even above S-rank. Yet the forest surrounding the city seemed endless. What was going on here?

“I’m Xior Wenson. I’m also a leader, though not of elves.”

“You appeared from a portal. How?”

Instead of replying, he passed through the dungeon gate.

The elf queen raced to the gate in pursuit, but an unseen force repelled her before she could cross.

“The same as the others,” she murmured. “I must gather the elders. The other side does not seem to have many Kings. If we defeat them all at once, their land will be ours to plunder.”
anyways, good luck. hope this helped
 
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You should also try writing your own work, or design your own comic. It really helps..
Ive tried my hand at comics but my art falls short of pro grade. Working on a fantasy novel now.

It always helps to hear of others doing the same. At the very least, its a reminder to put more time into it.
 
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Ive tried my hand at comics but my art falls short of pro grade. Working on a fantasy novel now.

It always helps to hear of others doing the same. At the very least, its a reminder to put more time into it.
Keep it up bro...
 

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