One of my worst and most aggravating intrusive thoughts is to imagine and hope that someone out there is so absolutely obsessed with me in a very toxic, controlling way. Like, someone so in love with me that they dedicate their time to stalk me & get to know even my most disgusting secrets. I hate it. But I find myself craving it. Wanting this person who will do anything to be with me and will do anything to have me under their possession like some toddler with their toys. Wanting to consume me in their fucked up way of love. Keeping me hostage in my own home. Suffocating me with their adoration. It pisses me off. I know that I hate people who don’t give me space. Who don’t know their limits. Who need to constantly be around me. Talk to me everyday. Like an ex friend of mine when we first became friends. It felt like a itch that wouldn’t go away. A maggot crawling under my skin. I despised it. Yet, for some reason, for someone to want me like that in a romantic way. It makes me feel warm. Loved. That no matter what I do. NO MATTER WHAT. They’ll always love me. Never leave me. Even if I beg and scream for them to go. Cry and give them the most empty stares with tear filled eyes. I’ll be theirs forever. To keep. To love.
These thoughts haven’t bothered me in a while, but recently this urge is becoming so intense now that my close (and only friend) got a girlfriend. I’m so jealous? Scared? Touch starved. Craving romantic affection. Anytime I see someone staring at me my heart starts racing and I feel so overwhelmed. Anytime a stranger touches me I feel warm. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I know I don’t. I’m just, not to my liking yet. But to feel encased in someone’s love. Love that’s so strong for me.
God...I don’t even want to type this shit anymore. It’s scaring me. Scaring me that I want it so bad.
Do any of you know how to cope with this urge? It’s affecting me so much I can hardly stand being around anyone.